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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

#cultures #children #message
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Endeavor
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Endeavour
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 is the golden key to success. In some countries,
children
 might receive
this
 message that if they try hard, their efforts will
finally
 pay off and achieve their purposes.
This
 approach might have some upsides and downsides that will be examined in
this
 essay. On the opposite side, it is stated that exposing
children
 to
this
 sentence can result in success in their future lives. It is because
children
 can believe their talents and abilities, and
then
 work hard in order to reach their dreams. A survey conducted among the top students of a ranked university in Iran revealed that most of them in childhood were of the opinion that everything is achievable by trying hard and that belief is the mystery of their brilliant status.
Additionally
, that powerful sentence can make
children
 more resilient against problems. They become tolerant because they think they can tackle issues by trying efficiently. So, they probably will think outside the box and come up with brilliant ideas in these situations
instead
 of accepting them.
In contrast
, in terms of its drawbacks, it can sometimes cause problems for their future.
Children
 may sacrifice sweet childhood time when they are trying hard to improve their skills to make a straight bridge to their goals. It is expressed by a well-known psychologist that it can isolate them and destroy their communication abilities.
Also
, it is sometimes a reason for disappointment. Some young
children
 may try hard but
due to
 a lack
understanding
Change preposition
of understanding
show examples
 of their abilities or circumstances may fail.
Therefore
, as far as they are mentally vulnerable it can lead to depression, anxiety, and stress. In conclusion, if
children
 accept that if they try hard, they will triumph in their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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, it helps them become successful in the future or become resilient in the face of challenges.
However
, it sometimes can have damaging consequences
such
 as losing socializing or mental problems.
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task response
Your essay provides a clear and complete response to the task, offering both advantages and disadvantages of the topic. Make sure to elaborate slightly more on examples to strengthen your points.
coherence and cohesion
Your ideas are well-organized, and the essay has a logical flow. Consider using more transitional phrases to enhance clarity between sections and ideas.
coherence and cohesion
You have a strong introduction and conclusion that frame your argument well.
task response and coherence and cohesion
The use of specific examples, such as the survey and psychologist's opinion, effectively supports your points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve
  • try hard
  • positive mindset
  • self-belief
  • motivates
  • ambitious goals
  • resilience
  • determination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • growth mindset
  • unrealistic expectations
  • disappointment
  • failure
  • effort
  • hard work
  • seek support
  • individual differences
  • abilities
  • capabilities
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