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Writing Samples
Band 4

"Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures?

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Recently, various aspects of the digital world and education caused so much stress for youngsters, which of course could be reduced.
In other words
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, it would be diminished if the situation
such
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 as trending comparison between children controlled by educating people. Juxtaposition by mothers and fathers is probably the main cause of the pressure that scions are going through.
However
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, mothers and fathers should comprehend that there are a few talented ones in the world but the majority are normal and
this
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 comparison would be a radical mistake. Arat Hosseini,
for example
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, is one talented football player as a child which
also
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 compares to top players
as well as
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 Leo Messi.
Moreover
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, some parents want to show off their offspring which leads them to compel their offspring to attend many classes, to name a few, playing a musical instrument,
sports
Correct word choice
and sports

It seems that conjunction use may be incorrect here.

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 like swimming
besides
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 expecting them to get
Correct article usage
a grade

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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grade
Fix the agreement mistake
grades

It seems that grade may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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A
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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at school.
This
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 amount of expectation causes mental issues like a high level of anxiety
through
Change preposition
throughout

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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 childhood in consequence. The next reason would be intending to make money through children, which makes some mothers and fathers post different pictures of their offspring on social media like Instagram to attract more followers. After all, there are remedies to decrease these pressures on youngsters which should
hold
Wrong verb form
be held

It appears that your sentence or clause uses an incorrect form of the verb hold. Consider changing it.

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 by the government and individuals. Firs solution would be legislative strict regulations on sharing posts of children under a certain age like 15.
For instance
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, penalties e.g. fines or even detention could prevent them who sharing these photos. The other important measure is educating people ,especially parents through workshops,
as
Change preposition
apply

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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samples, TV shows and so on which could result in perceiving of negative impacts of comparison on a person as a child or even as an adult. The
last
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 remedy is the investment in finding their true talent and supporting them to grow. To illustrate, funding a talented musician child to become a proper singer or composer would result in a better outcome than forcing her to become a mathematician which would satisfy neither her parents nor herself.
To conclude
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, the high rate of the pressure of different perspectives which
suffers
Verb problem
apply

There may be a verb use issue here.

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youngsters could be descended through various ways.
Hence
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, understanding each person's capability
simultaneous
Change the word
simultaneously

Simultaneous seems to be the wrong part of speech for this context.

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 with proper legislation
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is

It seems that the verb are does not agree with the subject. Consider changing the verb form.

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some
Correct determiner usage
one

It seems that determiner use may be incorrect here.

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 of them.

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task response
Improve task response by providing more specific examples and elaborating on the causes and solutions of the pressures faced by children.
coherence cohesion
Enhance coherence and cohesion by structuring the essay with clear topic sentences for each paragraph and ensuring smooth transitions between ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • academic pressure
  • globalized world
  • competitive education system
  • social media influences
  • cyberbullying
  • commercial pressures
  • aggressive marketing
  • materialistic desires
  • peer pressure
  • high expectations
  • standardized testing
  • quantifiable performance
  • stress and anxiety
  • extracurricular achievements
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