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Band 4

Many people today do not feel safe either at home or when they are out. What are the causes? What are the possible solutions?

#people #home
Nowadays, the majority are concerned about their safety in their own space whether
Unnecessary verb
apply
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being
Verb problem
apply
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at home or
Replace the word
outdoors
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outdoor
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outdoors
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.
This
 essay will examine the main causes of unsafe environment and possible measures, which can be taken to tackle
this
 situation. The two main causes of uncertainty are a surge in criminal activities by unemployed people and domestic violence. When there is an increase in the unemployment rate, they start to find an alternative way to overcome poverty.
For instance
, they start selling
out
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apply
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illegal drugs and
also
 commit murder
due to
 severe mental illnesses
such
 as depression
that is
 caused by joblessness.
In addition
, domestic abuse is a major contributor
for
Change preposition
to
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 a
person to feel
Change preposition
person's feeling
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 at risk at home.
For example
, a child witnessing assault can lead to behaviour changes
such
 as always being anxious and feeling
unease
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uneasy
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 at home. Some possible solutions to
this
 problem are providing more jobs and
to punish
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punishing
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 the offender. As the government provides more job opportunities,
this
 will likely decrease unemployment
hence
 the crime rate.
Therefore
, providing a much safer place for their mental health
as well as
 their
overall
 well-being.
Moreover
, the next step in fighting uncertainty is
by punishing
Change preposition
to punish
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 the offender with more severe punishment. In the case of a child witnessing domestic violence, it can become grounds for taking a child from their family under failure to protect laws.
To conclude
, the increase in criminal activities by unemployment and domestic violence leads to safety issues within a person.
However
, we can significantly lessen the feeling of unease by providing more job opportunities and a law that
punish
Correct subject-verb agreement
punishes
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 the offenders.
Submitted by desa on

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coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear structure and logical progression of ideas. The introduction and conclusion need to be more developed to effectively frame the essay's content.
task achievement
The response to the task is somewhat limited. The essay would benefit from addressing the causes and solutions in a more comprehensive and detailed manner.
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