IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Most high level positions in companies are filled by men even though the workforce in many developed countries is more than 50 percent female. Companies should be required to allocate a certain percentage of these positions to women. To what extent do you agree?

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There has been an ongoing debate regarding the lack of female representatives in the structure of companies, especially in higher-level positions. Many have adopted the view that it should be mandatory for firms to assign a significant share of
women
Use synonyms
 to those jobs and I am a strong proponent of that idea. First and foremost, it should be well understood that men dominated the workforce
due to
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 the old stereotype that
women
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 have to put more emphasis on family
while
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 men are destined to put bread on the table.
For example
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, in a developing country, girls often are not allowed to go to school to sharpen their skills and intelligence and
therefore
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 disallow girls the possibility of landing higher-income jobs.
Furthermore
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, men often underestimate the capability of
women
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 in terms of working
as a result
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 of the lingering stereotype that has no profound evidence. In order to break through the stereotype, it should be mandatory for female workers to be assigned to executive jobs more often to promote inclusiveness and improve the workplace altogether.
For example
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, empirical evidence shows that companies with a higher share of
women
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 tend to be more open to new ideas, resulting in an
overall
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 betterment of the quality of the output.
Furthermore
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, the compulsory policy can break through the stigma and help girls around the world achieve better educational qualities and opportunities.
To conclude
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, I firmly believe that
women
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 need to be better represented in the industrial world to break through the ongoing stigma and to produce better outcomes for our society as a whole.

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coherence cohesion
Consider diversifying your sentence structures to create a more engaging and complex piece of writing. Using a variety of sentence types and lengths can make your essay more dynamic.
task achievement
While you've provided general examples to support your points, strive to include more specific and detailed instances or data to strengthen your argument. Specific examples add credibility and depth to your essay, making your argument more compelling.
task achievement
Be sure to thoroughly address the prompt by exploring both sides of the argument, even if you have a strong stance on the issue. Your essay should reflect a balanced consideration before reaching a conclusion, which helps in demonstrating an understanding of the complexities of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that all supporting details directly reinforce that central point. This enhances the clarity of your argument and makes your essay more persuasive and coherent.
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