IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Companies should provide sports and social facilities for local communities. To what extend do you agree?

#companies #sports #facilities #communities
It is often said that enterprises must build athletic and social buildings like coffee shops,
gyms
 and restaurants for local people. I personally agree with
this
 statement on a variety of grounds.
To begin
 with, these kinds of facilities are mutually beneficial both for the
companies
 and people. First and foremost, many citizens spend plenty of their leisure time there,
as
Correct word choice
and as
show examples
 a
,
Remove the comma
apply
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result they end up spending a lot of money as well. So, corporations can take advantage
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
 trend in order to increase their incomes. A clear illustration of
this
 could be said
to
Verb problem
apply
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be that in Athens, Aegean Airlines has built many coffee shops around the city and
this
 investment provides huge incomes for the company (around 2
millions
Change to singular
million
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 euros per month). Apart from that, with
this
 investment
companies
 can be advertised as well.
For instance
, the same company I mentioned before, gives coupons to its customers with
10
Correct article usage
a 10
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% discount if they travel with its airlines.
In addition
,
this
 tendency which more and more
companies
adapt
Correct your spelling
adopt
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 nowadays, has provided many jobs and varieties of entertainment to citizens. A clear example of
this
 is, in my hometown Serres, a few years ago there were not enough
gyms
 to go to.
As a result
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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, the subscription for these
gyms
 was affordable. A couple of years ago, Deloitte
has
Unnecessary verb
apply
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constructed two huge
gyms
 and one football field in my hometown.
This
 has
ameliorate
Wrong verb form
ameliorated
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 unemployment and
also
 had
benefit
Change the verb form
benefited
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 the local economy.
To sum up
, I am of the belief that these statements support the view that
companies
 should invest
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 athletic and social facilities for local commodities because both sides will benefit in
long
Correct article usage
the long
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 term.
Submitted by rouxzdeep on

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Coherence and cohesion
The introduction could be clearer by explicitly stating the writer's position on the topic. Ensure that each paragraph directly connects to the main argument. Conclusion is clear, but can be strengthened by summarizing the main points.
Task Achievement
Good use of examples to support the argument throughout the essay. The points are well-developed and provide a clear rationale for the writer's position.
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