It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Several representatives of modern society deem that local

history

, rather than worldwide

history

, is an essential subject for school students. Indeed, I agree that the overwhelming majority of adolescents should know the stages of the development of their local environment.

Nevertheless

, the political process of various countries should be provided by teachers too.

Therefore

, I am going to reflect on

this

essay my own view of

such

an issue and

Fix the infinitive

apply

show examples

provide strong arguments, which confirm my core opinion. On the one hand, we can observe that the

history

of local regions

embark to be

Wrong verb form

show examples

forgotten and tutors do not concentrate on facts, which are not coherent with their society. In my opinion,

such

a tendency

exert

Correct subject-verb agreement

exerts

show examples

an adverse effect on the nurturing process of the youth.

For instance

, people should know which events

were

Unnecessary verb

apply

show examples

happened in the past,

which

Correct word choice

and which

show examples

mistakes were made by their ancestors. Owing to

this

information, humans can avert future troubles and negative ramifications

such

as local confrontations.

Moreover

, people should know about traditions.

For example

, it is required to realise what is the role customs play in society.

Hence

, I suggest that without

this

knowledge

further

development of communities is impossible.

On the other hand

, several experts allege that teachers should more concentrate on world

history

Change preposition

First

show examples

first,

the current generation should realise which troubles have happened over the

last

centuries.

Thus

, they can prevent negative consequences for the planet

due to

reasons, which have provoked conflicts on the world scale.

Secondly

, the political system of numerous countries is different.

Therefore

, if juveniles

will

Verb problem

apply

show examples

understand the political process of other nations, they can change or improve the situation in their country and can create a new system in order to increase the level of human life.

Consequently

, I imply that it is necessary to understand what happens in other areas and teenagers should study world

history

too.

To sum up

, I would stress that having made these points, it is true that

such

an issue incurs criticism. From my perspective, it can not be denied that

history

must

include

Wrong verb form

be included

show examples

in the curriculum of the majority of schools.

Nonetheless

, tutors should encourage the young generation to broaden their knowledge in events, which were in the past.

Submitted by sunsistem123 on Sat Jan 29 2022

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task response

The essay discusses both sides of the issue but lacks a clear stance. It is important to clearly express a position and support it throughout the essay.

coherence and cohesion

There is a logical structure with an introduction and conclusion, but the connection between ideas could be clearer. Try to use transition words and phrases to improve coherence.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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18Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
1Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

370 words

4.50

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 4.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Topic Vocabulary:

heritage
cultural identity
ancestry
traditions
globalization
empathy
contemporary issues
integrate
perspective
civilization
diversity
innovations
historical significance
nationalism
cosmopolitanism
historiography
geopolitical

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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

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