IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children, while others think it is the fault of the parents. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #government #rise #obesity #children #fault #parents
The opinion is divided on who should be blamed for childhood obesity.
Although
 some persons are of the opinion that the authorities should be faulted,
however
, I believe
otherwise
 and feel that caregivers should be held accountable.
This
 essay will discuss both views in detail followed by a reasoned conclusion
thereafter
. On the one hand, members of the public who blame the government believe they ought to be adequately enlightened through educative media platforms on the risk factors and complications of the disease. As
such
, they are unable to make good decisions about a healthy lifestyle.
For example
, statistics have shown that the majority of parents only
associated
Wrong verb form
associate
show examples
 overweight and diabetes with the elderly.
Hence
, their offspring at a tender age
acquires
Correct subject-verb agreement
acquire
show examples
 the disease without them seeking proper medical treatment.
On the other hand
, the influence of the caregivers in the development of a child is far more impacting,
therefore
, parents must have the greatest responsibility in caring for their children.
Firstly
, the quality of meals consumed daily by the kid contains a lot of fat.
Accordingly
, there is an accumulation of adipose tissues which
result
Correct subject-verb agreement
results
show examples
 in obesity.
For instance
, recent studies have shown that most household meals in a typical Australian family contain excess
amount
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
show examples
 of refined sugar and saturated fat which have been linked with an obese state.
Thus
, predisposing the child to
overweight
Add a missing verb
be overweight
show examples
.
Moreover
, parents hardly have time for their kids and try to engage them
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
 indoor sports like video games.
Consequently
, less time is devoted to exercise leading to a sedentary lifestyle and being overweight. In conclusion, the idea of who should be faulted for teenage obesity is still debatable. Even though authorities could be blamed, I believe guidance must take full accountability
through
Change preposition
for
show examples
various
Correct article usage
the various
show examples
 reasons highlighted above.
Submitted by joshuaosarenmwinda on

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task response
Ensure that the essay clearly addresses all aspects of the prompt, including discussing both views and providing a reasoned opinion.
coherence cohesion
Improve the introduction and conclusion by making them more impactful and clearly stating the main points that will be discussed in the essay.
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