IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some believe that with the introduction of modern technology people become more social. While some people think with modern technology, they become less social. Discuss the both views and give your opinion?

#believe #introduction #technology #people
It is argued that
development
Correct article usage
the development
show examples
 of new technology
bring
Change the verb form
brings
show examples
 many
benefit
Change to a plural noun
benefits
show examples
 for human beings, including
improvement
Correct article usage
the improvement
show examples
 of social connection.
Although
 I agree sophisticated
device
 make
people
 more connected, I think
that's
Change the verb form
that also makes
show examples
also
 make
people
 more unsocialized than before. On the one hand, modern technology
make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
people
 easier to connect
each
Change preposition
with each
show examples
 other. Nowadays, gadgets are
more cheap
Replace the words
cheaper
show examples
 and user friendly, so they are easier for
people
 to
use
 as
communication
Add an article
a communication
show examples
device
Fix the agreement mistake
devices
show examples
. Sophisticated things are now available in all places either in
urban
Add an article
an urban
the urban
show examples
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
 or in
rural
Add an article
a rural
show examples
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
, because of that many
people
 could
use
 that to communicate
each
Change preposition
with each
show examples
 other.
For example
,
people
 in villages could
use
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
 cheaper than before and make them easier to contact their family or friends whenever they are . That's why
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 modern technology
make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
people
 more socialized because it was easy to
use
 and cheap.
On the other hand
, newly
device
Fix the agreement mistake
devices
show examples
 lead
Add an article
the community
a community
show examples
community
Fix the agreement mistake
communities
show examples
 to be
focus
Wrong verb form
focused
show examples
 only
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their own activity only.
People
 could ignore another person
presence
Replace the word
present
show examples
 when they are to focus only
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their gadget. That kind of behaviour could make
people
 more selfish than before.
For instance
, when
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 have family dinner, everyone only
focus
Change the verb form
focuses
show examples
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their phone without talk each other.
Thus
, sophisticated things make
people
 busier with their own
activity
Fix the agreement mistake
activities
show examples
 without
socialized
Wrong verb form
socializing
show examples
 each other in
same
Change the article
the same
show examples
 place. In conclusion, though I agree that modern
gadget
Fix the agreement mistake
gadgets
show examples
 could make
people
 more social than before because it is more simple and cheap, I think
community
Correct article usage
the community
show examples
 getting more selfish since they are only focused
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their
device
Fix the agreement mistake
devices
show examples
.
Submitted by ardiirtp on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: