IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

When new towns are planned, it is important to build more public parks or sport facilities than shopping centers for people to spend their free time. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#towns #parks #sport #facilities #centers #people #time
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In the current times, when a city is planned, there are several distinct amenities that are extremely important to construct. Places where people can practise physical activities, as
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also
Rephrase
well
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 as green and public areas might be considered of the most interest. In my opinion, these types of facilities are the ones that attract citizens to visit those towns or even
chose
Wrong verb form
choose
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 them to live. Public parks,
as well as
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 public gardens, allow the population to enjoy the sun and the fresh air. The existence of
such
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 amenities in a town leads their population to make the most of their time outdoors,
while
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 they put their bodies in movement. One positive example of
this
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 is children. When
the
Correct article usage
apply
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youngsters have the possibility of being outside their houses, they tend to run everywhere and spend their energy
in
Change preposition
on
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a
Correct article usage
apply
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physical activity which is good for their health. Most children
also
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 enjoy discovering new things, exploring nature,
being
Correct word choice
and being
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 in contact with animals and insects.
In addition
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, all these activities
rise
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raise
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 feelings of curiosity and respect for our environment. In my opinion, and taking the aforementioned point, when someone is choosing a place to live, those arguments might be quite important to determine that choice.
Additionally
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, creating more sports facilities might be indispensable to
improve
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improving
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 one’s health. What I mean is that, if a town offers satisfactory infrastructures, their citizens will probably feel more appealed to use them. Sports pavilions, outdoor rings, volleyball and basketball venues, just to mention some examples, can bring the community together, making them try new activities and enjoy their free time. What is more, if a person starts exercising,
this
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 will have a beneficial impact on their health, by lowering the blood pressure,
for instance
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, or improving muscular resistance. Some research found that physical exercise increases our dopamine and serotonin, contributing to combating depression.
That is
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 why, in my opinion, places that are sports-related welcome the community to live or visit that city.
Conversely
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, spending all day in a shopping centre, with artificial lights and
air-conditioned
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air conditioning
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, might lead customers to feel stressed and spend money on unimportant material objects.
To conclude
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, I believe that having public places,
as well as
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 sports facilities, might be beneficial to a town, allowing their population to enjoy their free time in a healthy way.
Submitted by raquelpconceicao on

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Grammar
Work on reducing minor grammatical errors to enhance clarity and precision.
Coherence
Ensure each point is thoroughly linked to the main argument to maintain a strong logical flow.
Task Achievement
Include more varied examples to illustrate each point more vividly and engage the reader.
Task Achievement
The essay provides a clear stance on the topic and effectively argues the benefits of public parks and sports facilities.
Introduction/Conclusion
The introduction clearly outlines the essay’s central argument, providing a solid base for the response.
Introduction/Conclusion
Conclusion effectively summarizes the points discussed, reinforcing the essay's main argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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