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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that family is the most powerful influence of a child's development while others think other factors such as friends, television and music have better influence. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Nowadays, there is an ongoing debate about whether
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children
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’s
behaviour
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 is shaped more by family influence or by external factors. Advocates of the former argue that parents and close family
members
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 serve as
role
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 models, thereby playing a crucial
role
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 in
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children
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’s psychological
development
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,
while
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 opponents believe that exposure to peers and media enables
children
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 to acquire moral values more effectively.
This
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 essay will discuss both views before presenting my own perspective. On the one hand, many people believe that close family
members
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, namely parents and grandparents, play an important
role
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 in
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children
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’s personality
development
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.
In other words
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, from a young age,
children
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 develop good manners and social etiquette by observing their family
members
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.
For instance
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, in Kazakhstan, many
children
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 develop communication skills by imitating their parents, often adopting greetings that are influenced by religious traditions.
This
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 approach helps
children
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 not only adopt traditions but
also
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 integrate into society.
As a result
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, they are less likely to face discrimination
due to
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 inappropriate language use.
This
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 clearly highlights the importance of family
members
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 in influencing
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children
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’s
behaviour
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.
On the other hand
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, in my view, external factors
such
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 as peer pressure and mass media can have a negative impact on
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children
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’s attitudes.
This
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 is largely because
children
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 spend a significant amount of their leisure time with their peers. When friends display inappropriate
behaviour
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,
such
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 as smoking,
children
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 are likely to imitate it. A similar influence can be observed in the media.
For example
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, many television programmes promote alcohol consumption or violence, which can negatively affect
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children
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’s
behaviour
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 and attitudes.
Consequently
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, excessive reliance on external influences can lead to negative social outcomes and increased social conflict.
Therefore
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, choosing a suitable environment for
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children
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’s
development
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 is a crucial decision. In conclusion,
although
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 family
members
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 play a crucial
role
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 in shaping
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children
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’s psychological
development
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, the environment to which
children
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 are exposed is equally important and should not be overlooked.
Therefore
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, adopting a balanced approach,
along with
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 proper parental guidance in selecting the most suitable environment, can help mitigate potential social problems in the future.

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task response
Write one clear idea in each main part and explain it more.
task response
Give a stronger answer to both sides, then make your own view very clear.
task response
Use examples that directly show why family or friends have more power.
task response
Some ideas are good, but a few points need more support and detail.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, middle, and end.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words well, but do not repeat the same style too much.
coherence and cohesion
The second main part changes to your opinion very fast. First discuss the other side, then give your view more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences connect well, but a few ideas feel a little sudden.
task response
You answer both parts of the question and give your opinion.
task response
Your introduction clearly shows the topic of the essay.
task response
You use examples from real life, which helps your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is easy to follow overall.
coherence and cohesion
Each part has a clear purpose.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion is clear and fits the essay well.
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