These days many kids spend a lot of their time playing computer games instead of doing sports. What is the cause of this? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

It is true that many kids these days tend to spend more time playing computer
games
than doing sports.
This
kind of tendency is caused by some factors. In my view,
this
trend
is a negative development for
this
society.  On the one hand, with the development of technology, many people can use online devices,
for instance
, computers and cell phones with faster internet,
thus
, there are a lot of electrical devices in every house.
Therefore
, the younger generation can face those kinds of situations more than in the past, and they can easily get
along with
games
.
Furthermore
,
students
in modern society are very busy because of their subjects,
thus
, they have to save their wasted time.
Consequently
,
games
that are not very limited in space and time have become one of the best means to play with friends.
However
, I believe
this
trend
is unacceptable in
this
society.
To begin
with, it is true that a lot of activities are necessary to keep healthy,
therefore
,
students
in the past were quite healthy because they normally played and did sports outside.
However
,
students
Add the comma(s)
students,
show examples
these days play computer
games
with their friends,
instead
of doing
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
,
thus
, their health is getting worse.
Therefore
, they will struggle with various diseases,
such
as,
overweight
Add a missing verb
being overweight
show examples
.
Accordingly
, the government has to spend more money on the student's health.
Consequently
, they cannot invest enough money in other sectors, and their welfare will be poor. In conclusion,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
students
tend to play computer
games
than
Rephrase
rather than
show examples
sports. I believe
this
trend
comes from various reasons and
this
trend
will
cause
Verb problem
have
show examples
a negative influence on various aspects.
Submitted by neinpair on

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relevant specific examples
Consider adding more specific examples to support your points. For instance, you could mention specific types of computer games or examples of health studies showing the impact of reduced physical activity.
clear comprehensive ideas
Some of the sentence structures are slightly awkward. Revise sentences for clarity. For example, consider rephrasing 'Consequently, they cannot invest enough money in other sectors, and their welfare will be poor.' to 'As a result, government resources that could be allocated to other sectors may be diverted to healthcare, affecting overall welfare.'
introduction conclusion present
The introduction and conclusion are clear, effectively framing the essay and summarizing your position.
logical structure
Your ideas are well-organized and follow a logical structure, making it easy to follow your argument.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • accessibility
  • sophisticated marketing
  • addictive design
  • screen time
  • parental influence
  • safety concerns
  • indoor activities
  • social aspect
  • introverted
  • traditional sports
  • inadvertently
  • capture children's attention
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