These days many kids spend a lot of their time playing computer games instead of doing sports. What is the cause of this? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?
It is true that many kids these days tend to spend more time playing computer
games
than doing sports. This
kind of tendency is caused by some factors. In my view, this
trend
is a negative development for this
society.
On the one hand, with the development of technology, many people can use online devices, for instance
, computers and cell phones with faster internet, thus
, there are a lot of electrical devices in every house. Therefore
, the younger generation can face those kinds of situations more than in the past, and they can easily get along with
games
. Furthermore
, students
in modern society are very busy because of their subjects, thus
, they have to save their wasted time. Consequently
, games
that are not very limited in space and time have become one of the best means to play with friends.
However
, I believe this
trend
is unacceptable in this
society. To begin
with, it is true that a lot of activities are necessary to keep healthy, therefore
, students
in the past were quite healthy because they normally played and did sports outside. However
, students
these days play computer Add the comma(s)
students,
games
with their friends, instead
of doing sport
, Fix the agreement mistake
sports
thus
, their health is getting worse. Therefore
, they will struggle with various diseases, such
as, overweight
. Add a missing verb
being overweight
Accordingly
, the government has to spend more money on the student's health. Consequently
, they cannot invest enough money in other sectors, and their welfare will be poor.
In conclusion, the
Correct article usage
apply
students
tend to play computer games
than
sports. I believe Rephrase
rather than
this
trend
comes from various reasons and this
trend
will cause
a negative influence on various aspects.Verb problem
have
Submitted by neinpair on
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relevant specific examples
Consider adding more specific examples to support your points. For instance, you could mention specific types of computer games or examples of health studies showing the impact of reduced physical activity.
clear comprehensive ideas
Some of the sentence structures are slightly awkward. Revise sentences for clarity. For example, consider rephrasing 'Consequently, they cannot invest enough money in other sectors, and their welfare will be poor.' to 'As a result, government resources that could be allocated to other sectors may be diverted to healthcare, affecting overall welfare.'
introduction conclusion present
The introduction and conclusion are clear, effectively framing the essay and summarizing your position.
logical structure
Your ideas are well-organized and follow a logical structure, making it easy to follow your argument.