Some people think that in order to produce a happy society, it is necessary to ensure that there is only a small difference between the earnings of the richest and poorest. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Few
people
believe that improving the income of poor
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
can make a difference in
society
. Whether it is poor or rich
people
, everybody should be treated equally in
society
. I agree with the statement and will discuss the reason in my forthcoming essay.
Firstly
, crime is one of the major issues of our
society
. When there is a huge difference between the pay of rich and poor, it leads towards jealousy and hatred.
People
use
Wrong verb form
used
show examples
to steal things which they don't have in their lives.
For instance
, in developing ,countries
people
are still below the poverty line. The
overall
comparison between
people
can tend towards doing wrong things.
meanwhile
Add a comma
meanwhile,
show examples
the ability
of thinking
Change preposition
to think
show examples
is
also
compromised
due to
less payment poor
people
get.
Thus
, money matters for a better community as well.
Secondly
, education is another type of issue which poor
people
have to face.
While
their wages are less, they are unable to send their kids to
high standard
Add a hyphen
high-standard
show examples
schools. It is evident that if the young generation could get a better study it would bring peace and prosperity in the world.
Furthermore
, better kids will make our world better by becoming more successful in their respective careers.
On the other hand
, increasing income could make
people
lazy and will start living life comfortably. It is necessary for everyone to do work and contribute their work to
society
.
Thus
, it can be possible that the work situation will be changed. Everyone will be relaxed and
this
will bring hindrance in completing some of the important tasks.
To conclude
, an increase in income could make a world better with less crime and the education system will
also
be improved.
Submitted by swatisnh09 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the impact of income inequality on society. Make sure to provide more specific examples to support your points.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-developed and effectively frame the essay. Work on providing clearer connections between ideas within paragraphs to enhance cohesion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Well-developed introduction and conclusion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

Practice speaking step by step, answer real-life questions, and build your confidence. Start your free trial and improve your speaking skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!