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Band 5.5

Some people think that in order to produce a happy society, it is necessary to ensure that there is only a small difference between the earnings of the richest and poorest. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #society #difference #earnings
Few
people
 believe that improving the income of poor
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 can make a difference in
society
. Whether it is poor or rich
people
, everybody should be treated equally in
society
. I agree with the statement and will discuss the reason in my forthcoming essay.
Firstly
, crime is one of the major issues of our
society
. When there is a huge difference between the pay of rich and poor, it leads towards jealousy and hatred.
People
use
Wrong verb form
used
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 to steal things which they don't have in their lives.
For instance
, in developing ,countries
people
 are still below the poverty line. The
overall
 comparison between
people
 can tend towards doing wrong things.
meanwhile
Add a comma
meanwhile,
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 the ability
of thinking
Change preposition
to think
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 is
also
 compromised
due to
 less payment poor
people
 get.
Thus
, money matters for a better community as well.
Secondly
, education is another type of issue which poor
people
 have to face.
While
 their wages are less, they are unable to send their kids to
high standard
Add a hyphen
high-standard
show examples
 schools. It is evident that if the young generation could get a better study it would bring peace and prosperity in the world.
Furthermore
, better kids will make our world better by becoming more successful in their respective careers.
On the other hand
, increasing income could make
people
 lazy and will start living life comfortably. It is necessary for everyone to do work and contribute their work to
society
.
Thus
, it can be possible that the work situation will be changed. Everyone will be relaxed and
this
 will bring hindrance in completing some of the important tasks.
To conclude
, an increase in income could make a world better with less crime and the education system will
also
 be improved.
Submitted by swatisnh09 on

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Task Achievement
The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the impact of income inequality on society. Make sure to provide more specific examples to support your points.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-developed and effectively frame the essay. Work on providing clearer connections between ideas within paragraphs to enhance cohesion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Well-developed introduction and conclusion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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