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Writing Samples
Band 7

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In today's era, there is no doubt that the burden of studies on children is increasing.
Due to
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 that, one group of people supports the idea of discarding extracurricular
subjects
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 from the
school
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.
Although
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 other groups of individuals say that these non-academic activities will help pupils develop new
skills
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 at an early age, I firmly agree with the latter view. First and foremost, proponents of the idea, which is about withdrawing non-academic courses from the
school
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 curriculum, claim hours.
For example
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,
this
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 course makes young individuals study long hours.
For example
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, pupils who have these
subjects
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 will spend most of their
time
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 in
school
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 or doing homework.
Due to
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 that,
this
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 issue can be easily solved if
school
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 management makes a balanced syllabus and course schedule. Turning to the other side of the coin, these extracurricular studies will help them develop practical
skills
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.
For instance
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, students will learn team-building
skills
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,
time
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 management
skills
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, communication
skills
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, and many more.
In addition
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, if young people do not try new activities at an early age, they will not be able to find their true passion for life,
such
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 as cooking, which will take
time
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 and practice, so it will be beneficial for young individuals to learn different kinds of courses. In conclusion, after manifesting both points, some people are in
favor
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favour
show examples
 of eliminating some
subjects
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 from the
school
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 list because students can spend quality
time
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 with family, but I totally disagree with
this
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 point of view. In my opinion, schools should make a balanced timetable for students, and extra
subjects
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 will help them find their career, which they will enjoy for the rest of their lives.

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coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, but the logical flow could be improved. Consider organizing your points more effectively and using more transition words to guide the reader.
task achievement
The main ideas are relevant to the question, but they could be more comprehensively developed. Try to provide more detailed explanations and specific examples to support your arguments.
task achievement
Ensure that each paragraph contains a single main idea and that this idea is developed fully before moving on to the next point. The argument about spending quality time with family needs more elaboration and support.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clear and effectively summarize the main points of the essay.
task achievement
The essay consistently addresses the task and presents a clear position on the issue.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
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