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Band 4

In some countries, young people have become richer, healthier, and live longer, but they are less happy. What are the causes? What can be done to address this situation?

#countries #people #address #situation
Nowadays, the way to become rich, healthy, and
long living
Add a hyphen
long-living
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people
 is easier than
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 past.
In contrast
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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happiness is harder to find especially in our society. It can be seen by a lot of young
people
 in some countries were getting richer but not happy as they should be. There are many reasons that
makes
Change the verb form
make
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 young
people
 less happy even they have everything on their hands.
Firstly
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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social media has
plays
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played
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 an essential role in our life, most of the things we do
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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depends
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depend
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 on
the
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apply
show examples
social media which makes us focus on others' perspective but forget to look at ours.
secondly
, we are using
the
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apply
show examples
technology in many ways and sometimes technology can cause bad effects to us, but some
people
 did not have awareness
about
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of
show examples
 it.
Finally
, we live in a rapid world, most
of
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apply
show examples
things
Add an article
the things
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 are fast, everyone cares about their own point but no one
have
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has
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 empathy to
another
Correct quantifier usage
other
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people
. It makes young
people
 are less happy than old
people
.
However
, we can be
a
Correct article usage
apply
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rich and healthy along with a
happiness
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happy
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person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
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 by changing the perspective and
slow
Wrong verb form
slowing
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 our pace down. It should have a place that can gather
people
 to talk to each other for exchanging an aspect about life. Old
people
 meet young
people
 for making a change to our society because we can learn a lot from
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
others. To conclude, the way that can fix
this
 problem is we have to get to know
ourselve
Correct your spelling
ourselves
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and learn how to live with the technology
that is
 part of our life in a correct way.
Submitted by pattyzz1357 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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