IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

In some countries, young people have become richer, healthier, and live longer, but they are less happy. What are the causes? What can be done to address this situation?

#countries #people #address #situation
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Nowadays, the way to become rich, healthy, and
long living
Add a hyphen
long-living
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people
Use synonyms
 is easier than
the
Change preposition
in the
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 past.
In contrast
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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happiness is harder to find especially in our society. It can be seen by a lot of young
people
Use synonyms
 in some countries were getting richer but not happy as they should be. There are many reasons that
makes
Change the verb form
make
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 young
people
Use synonyms
 less happy even they have everything on their hands.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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social media has
plays
Change the verb form
played
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 an essential role in our life, most of the things we do
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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depends
Change the verb form
depend
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 on
the
Correct article usage
apply
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social media which makes us focus on others' perspective but forget to look at ours.
secondly
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, we are using
the
Correct article usage
apply
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technology in many ways and sometimes technology can cause bad effects to us, but some
people
Use synonyms
 did not have awareness
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 it.
Finally
Linking Words
, we live in a rapid world, most
of
Change preposition
apply
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things
Add an article
the things
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 are fast, everyone cares about their own point but no one
have
Change the verb form
has
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 empathy to
another
Correct quantifier usage
other
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people
Use synonyms
. It makes young
people
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 are less happy than old
people
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, we can be
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
rich and healthy along with a
happiness
Replace the word
happy
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person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
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 by changing the perspective and
slow
Wrong verb form
slowing
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 our pace down. It should have a place that can gather
people
Use synonyms
 to talk to each other for exchanging an aspect about life. Old
people
Use synonyms
 meet young
people
Use synonyms
 for making a change to our society because we can learn a lot from
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
others. To conclude, the way that can fix
this
Linking Words
 problem is we have to get to know
ourselve
Correct your spelling
ourselves
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and learn how to live with the technology
that is
Linking Words
 part of our life in a correct way.
Submitted by pattyzz1357 on

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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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