IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Today more people are overweight than ever before. What in your opinion are the primary causes of this? What are the main effects of this epidemic?

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Being overweight is becoming more widespread to many people these days.
This
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 essay will examine the causes
as well as
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 the main effects related to
this
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 tendency. There are a variety of different causes for
this
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 matter.
To begin
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 with, consuming unhealthy processed foods is a significant contributing factor to the prevalence of excessive fat accumulation in contemporary societies. These food products are indeed known to contain high levels of saturated fat, salt and sugar but low in proteins which are considered the main reason for obesity.
For example
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, many children nowadays favour fast food and may even choose restaurants like McDonald’s or KFC to celebrate their birthdays.
This
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 preference for
such
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 foods,
along with
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 sugary drinks and snacks has led to an outstanding rate of obesity in children recently. Another contributing factor to mention is that a sedentary lifestyle with few physical activities can lead to lower energy needs and make it easier to gain
weight
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.
For example
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, as an office worker, I rarely have time for a workout
due to
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 my busy schedule and long hours of sitting.
This
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 has led to a situation where I find it too challenging to lose
weight
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 and effortless to gain
weight
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. Unexpectedly, there are some serious effects that should be taken into consideration. The first and most important is that being overweight could increase the risk of a number of diseases.
For instance
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,
according to
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 a WHO report, obesity-related ill-health
such
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 as diabetes, cardiovascular disease, and so on accounted for 5 million deaths globally in 2019, which is an alert for everybody to pay more attention to having a healthier habit in their life. Another effect no less important is that it could impact mental health, including low self-esteem. One good illustration of
this
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 is one of my colleagues, who always feels unconfident about her body figure or
weight
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 and often avoids social gatherings in the company.
As a result
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, she has some limits in teamwork projects, which affects her productivity to some extent. In conclusion, being overweight is an issue that affects a lot of people nowadays. It’s mainly caused by improper diet and lack of exercise. From what has been discussed,
this
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 may lead to some serious consequences for both physical and mental health. It is advised that we should focus on making positive changes to our lifestyle
such
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 as eating a balanced diet and engaging in regular fitness training.

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task response
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central theme, which is developed and not just superficially discussed.
task response
It is crucial to provide more detailed examples that directly relate to the central theme of each paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Work on linking ideas more smoothly to enhance the logical flow of the essay.
task response
Balance the development of ideas between causes and effects; both should be equally explored and exemplified.
coherence and cohesion
Make effective use of cohesive devices, but beware of overusing them which could potentially affect the clarity of the argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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