IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people say that school leavers should start working immediately. Others say that they should continue their studies at university. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #school #leavers #studies #university
Nowadays a lot of people think that after school, the students should find a job
whereas
 others give importance to studying at the
University
. In my opinion, I think that they should go to
University
due
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the following reasons. First of all, I think that students should go to
university
 because it gives them enough knowledge and in consequence, opportunities to find a better job.
For example
, people with Bachelor’s or Master ’s degrees receive a higher income than those school leavers. The salaries related to the medical area are increasing over the years and more specifically in the
last
 two years.
Secondly
, the students who
decided
Wrong verb form
decide
show examples
 to go the
university
, acquire critical thinking apart from the knowledge related to their educational program.
For instance
, a recent survey made by The Guardian demonstrates that citizens who have finished their
university
 studies were more able to contrast information between two different sources.
On the other hand
, I can understand that the economic situation inside the family could lead them to the job market as soon as they
finished
Wrong verb form
finish
show examples
 school,
for example
 in single-parent families. There are countryside areas in which the
major part
Replace the word
majority
show examples
 of their citizens
starts
Correct subject-verb agreement
start
show examples
 working when they
were
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 quite young. The consequences are not only in relationship with educational
program
Fix the agreement mistake
programs
show examples
 and knowledge but
also
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
show several health issues. In my opinion,
university
 studies give
applies
Verb problem
apply
show examples
the population not only the opportunity to grow up in different areas but
also
 provides them with enough abilities to develop their career
overall
.
Submitted by melisa.siverio on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure that the essay strictly adheres to the logical structure of presenting both sides of the argument evenly before concluding with your own opinion. The argument could have been more balanced by discussing both sides more equitably.
task achievement
Expand on examples to directly relate them to the thesis. Providing more relevant and specific evidence will strengthen the essay.
task achievement
The content needs to fully respond to all parts of the task with sufficient development of ideas. While the essay mentions personal opinion, it could elaborate more on the reasons behind the view expressed.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: