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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Governments should not have to provide care or financial support for elderly people because it is the responsibility of each person to prepare for retirement and support him or herself. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#governments #care #support #people #responsibility #person #retirement
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There is an idea that
people
 need to prepare for retirement by themselves so the governments do not have to provide care or financial support for elderly
people
.
This
 essay will explain that the governments must provide that support for several reasons.
People
 these days have more knowledge regarding financial management
due to
 the modern era, especially young
people
. In the current years, there are plenty of options to save money,
such
 as banks, stocks, obligations, etc.
Besides
 that, the economic inflation every year can not be prevented so
this
 will affect the market price that will always increase.
For example
, a motorcycle that used to cost only 8 million rupiahs 20 years ago, now already increased to 12 million rupiahs which is already 50% higher.
This
 condition is the main reason why
people
 need to prepare their pension fund as soon as possible. Everyone already knew that they should prepare money for the future, to be specific after they will not work again. But the problem is that not all
people
 have the same economic conditions. Imagine a father who already has 1 wife and 3 children, but he only got 5 million rupiahs monthly to fulfil the needs of his whole family. With that condition, he can not save money for his future, because he barely survives for just basic needs. The government should be aware of
this
 condition because it is not a rare case, especially in developed countries. In conclusion, the government must remain prepared to give financial support to a retired person since not all families have good economic conditions. Maybe, they can use the tax
that is
 already paid to them so everyone will have savings
also
 from their monthly salary.
Submitted by rifqiesap on

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Idea Development
Develop your arguments further by exploring a wider range of perspectives on the role of government support for the elderly, considering both economic and social factors.
Language Use
Consider using more diverse and complex sentence structures to enhance readability and demonstrate a higher level of English proficiency.
Coherence and Cohesion
Connect your ideas more effectively by using a wider range of linking phrases. This will help your essay to flow better and make your arguments easier to follow.
Structure
You presented a clear thesis statement and concluded your essay effectively, aligning your conclusion with your introduction.
Examples
You used relevant examples to support your points, making your argument more convincing.
Logical Structure
Your essay follows a logical structure, making it easier to understand your arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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