IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people say that individuals who make a lot of money are the most successful. Others think that those who contribute to society like scientists and teachers are more successful. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

#people #individuals #money #society #scientists #teachers
Some are of the opinion that individuals who make a lot of
money
 are the most successful. Meanwhile, others point out the disadvantageous aspect of
money
. As far as I am concerned,
although
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
those who contribute to
society
 like scientists and teachers are more successful in general I think that contribution is more important than
money
 in that recognized by many people. Those who argue in
favor
Change the spelling
favour
show examples
 of
money
 point out that individuals who make a lot of
money
 are the most successful. There are situations when even these proponents would concede you can do almost what you want to do. To be specific, when we try something we think about the price
first
. But if you do
that
Correct word choice
what
show examples
 you want to do without worrying about
money
, you can easily feel more happiness. That’s why I agree
money
 is important to success.
Nonetheless
, there are myriad
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
reasons why those who contribute to
society
 like
sientists
Correct your spelling
scientists
 and teachers are more successful. It is undeniable that it can be recognized by others. Another vital aspect of
this
 argument is that it can remain in memory for a long time by contributing
society
Change preposition
to society
show examples
.
For instance
, if we had a social contribution by studying something convenient in our lives
such
 as scientists, I think we had a good influence and life for many people so far. Needless to say, all these merits stand in
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
good stead. According to the arguments aforementioned above, one can reach a conclusion that the benefits of contributing
society
Change preposition
to society
show examples
 are instrumental indeed. Given that it
is be
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 a better success, I firmly insist that I think it comes from sharing with many people like teachers and scientists.
Nevertheless
, its potential drawbacks should not be overlooked either.
Submitted by shoep11 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial prosperity
  • capitalizing
  • luxury travel
  • exclusive experiences
  • contributions to society
  • humanitarian workers
  • lasting impact
  • highly subjective
  • cultural, societal, and personal values
  • comfort and security
  • deeper personal satisfaction
  • holistic understanding
What to do next:
Look at other essays: