In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that the government should have the responsibility. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#countries #children #people #government #responsibility

Nowadays,

children

's obesity is an ongoing issue in different countries all over the world, and

this

belief has been accepted by a vast majority of

people

that governments should take action and face

this

current predicament. In my opinion, governments play a crucial role

to tackle

Change preposition

in tackling

show examples

this

problem. It is my view that governments should provide healthy programs for

children

Change preposition

show examples

the media to increase awareness of parents and their

children

instead

of supporting the advertisement for unhealthy and sugary products. It is an undeniable fact that when

children

and parents see only the fancy face of products and meals, they cannot realize how harmful and risky these are.

Thus

, they do not know about the devastating effects of the high amount of fat and sugar on their bodies.

For example

, it is a beneficial idea to make an educational program on TV to explain the calories and amount of fat and sugar which every nutrition contains.

In contrast

, some

people

claim that families are responsible for

children

's overweight, and they have to change their high-fat diet and unhealthy lifestyle. They firmly insist that if parents removed sugary and fast food from their meals, they could control the overweight problem among youngsters.

However

, I do not find

this

argument convincing, as if

people

had the basic knowledge to understand and check the ingredients on food labels.

Therefore

, they could control the intake of foods that are high in fats, sugar, and salt, it could be a remedy, and it is not necessary to eliminate all their favourite foods.

Hence

, with an educational program, the government can control the overconsumption of unhealthy foods. In conclusion, I completely agree with

this

argument that

government

Correct article usage

the government

show examples

should have plans to overcome

children

's obesity.

Because increasing

Correct word choice

Increasing

show examples

the basic knowledge and awareness of

people

about nutrition and healthy diet and the impact of every portion of them is the government's duty.

Submitted by nibbana333 on Sun Mar 27 2022

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task response

The essay addresses the prompt effectively and presents a clear and comprehensive response to the question. Ensure that each point is fully developed and supported with evidence and examples.

coherence and cohesion

The essay demonstrates a clear logical structure with a well-organized introduction and conclusion. Ensure that ideas are linked cohesively throughout the essay to enhance clarity and coherence.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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8Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
2Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

315 words

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Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 6.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 6.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 7.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

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