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Band 5

Multicultural societies, where people of different groups live together, bring more benefits than drawbacks to a country. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#societies #people #groups #country
In recent years, some
people
 think that many cultures in the societies and
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
show examples
 of different communities live together is gain more
advantage
Fix the agreement mistake
advantages
show examples
 than
Add an article
a disadvantage
show examples
disadvantage
Fix the agreement mistake
disadvantages
show examples
 to a
country
.
On the other hand
, someone may argue that it is gain advantages
such
 as democracy. From my perspective, I believe
that is
more
Correct article usage
a more
show examples
 positive
ways
Fix the agreement mistake
way
show examples
 to have
people
 from multiple communities to make benefits
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
country
 in these areas.
Firstly
,
citizen
Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
show examples
 in some countries may not know how to be
Add an article
a democracy
show examples
democracy
Replace the word
democratic
show examples
.
On the contrary
, for the new world,
Add an article
an individual
the individual
show examples
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
show examples
 should know how to respect other citizens and listen to
everyone
Change noun form
everyone's
show examples
 voices to develop the city.
For example
, if every person
listen
Change the verb form
listens
show examples
 to each other, so they will develop the
country
.
Secondly
, some companies are accepting just their citizen because of many components
such
 as
language
 or race.
That is
 maybe true but,
global
Correct article usage
a global
show examples
 workforce is can help company increase
benefits
Correct article usage
the benefits
show examples
 of many things
such
 as
workforce
Correct article usage
the workforce
show examples
 because they can accept any race to work with the company.
Moreover
, many
kind
Change to a plural noun
kinds
show examples
 of
people
 in a company will be interesting for
global
Add an article
a global
the global
show examples
 workforce.
Finally
, it is generally accepted that having many races in a
country
 may help
individual
Add an article
the individual
an individual
show examples
 learn another
language
. In constant, they can learn their
second
 or
third
language
 from oversea
people
 and it can help them to learn
language
Correct article usage
a language
show examples
 easier than they learn by themselves.
Nevertheless
, they will
Add a missing verb
be active
show examples
active
Replace the word
act
show examples
 to know each other to participate in
language
 class. In conclusion, From my point of view, having
people
 in different cultures is more
advantages
Replace the word
advantageous
show examples
 than
have
Wrong verb form
having
show examples
 no native citizens because it can bring a lot of benefits.
Submitted by Kookkikpamika on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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