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Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Competition for university study is becoming increasingly strong. Why are universities becoming more competitive? Is this a positive or negative development?

#competition #university #study #universities #development
In the contemporary era, more
people
 compete with one another to achieve their goals. Among these,
competition
 for studying in top universities is on the rise. In the following paragraphs, I will discuss why
this
 happens and I will clarify, why I think it is a positive phenomenon. There have been many reasons which lead to
this
competition
.
To begin
 with, the young generation tends to find decent jobs offering a good salary. For these job opportunities would be hired the most qualified
people
 usually study at the top
academy
Fix the agreement mistake
academies
show examples
.
As a result
, universities as a decisive factor in one's resume, turn important for
people
 caring about their future prospects.
Furthermore
, studying at a great university increases the chance of success.
This
 is because these universities provide a wide range of facilities which are one of the most contributors to achievements. I believe
such
 a circumstance with a positive point of view
due to
 different reasons.
Firstly
,
this
competition
 contributes to enhancing the young's motivation.
This
 is, having a purpose and trying to make it real, leads to a meaningful life. It, itself, develops a number of conductive traits including determination, dedication and
hard-working
Correct word choice
hard work
show examples
.
Secondly
,
competition
 adds colour to our boring life. In terms of
mentally healthy
Replace the word
mental health
show examples
, when a person has to try hard for a certain goal the process, itself, will uplift her/ his spirits, regardless of the results.
For example
, a professional athlete who worked out hard for ages to take part in an international game
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 will be mentally healthier than some
people
 who don't have any purpose in their life.
To conclude
, many reasons are behind the increased
competition
 for studying in educational institutions and
this
 trend has some positive effects on students.
Submitted by Fataremi on

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coherence cohesion
The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, establishing the main topic and summarizing the main points. However, the overall logical structure could be improved to enhance coherence.
task achievement
The essay addresses the question prompt and presents some relevant ideas. However, the response lacks depth and could be further developed with clearer examples and more comprehensive reasoning.
lexical resource
The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary and uses appropriate academic language. However, there is room for improvement in terms of using more sophisticated and precise vocabulary.
grammatical range
The essay shows control over basic grammatical structures and uses them accurately. However, there are some instances where more complex sentence structures and grammatical forms could be utilized.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • rising demand
  • globalization
  • prestigious
  • advances in technology
  • accessibility
  • employment market
  • qualifications
  • limited resources
  • admission caps
  • high-quality education
  • career prospects
  • online learning
  • faculty limitations
  • competitive edge
  • aspiration
  • surge
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