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Writing Samples
Band 5

Nowadays there is an increase in people with an unhealthy diet and not doing enough physical exercises. What do you think might be the reason? What can be done to encourage people to have a healthier lifestyle?

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In the contemporary world, more and more people are
turning
Verb problem
becoming
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 unhealthy
due to
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 a lack of physical exercise. I opine that it is attributed to the extravagant lifestyle with easy availability of food, increased usage of digital gadgets and less interest in sports.
Further
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,
this
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 can be curbed by introducing parks and gymnasia and banning a few unhealthy foods in shops.
To begin
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 with, the major factor for the drastic descent in public health is the immediate accessibility of junk.
In other words
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, children are attracted to the tasty, processed food in the shops
nearby
Change preposition
near
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 their schools
while
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 adults could use online services.
Secondly
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, many forks are addicted to digital gadgets, which makes them dull and lethargic.
For instance
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, video games like Mario have gained the attention of millions of users across the world, who play them for many hours.
However
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, despite many factors contributing to less fitness, the introduction of gymnasia and parks in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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societies can let many join them by making them more accessible.
For example
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, a recent study in United
Stated
Correct your spelling
States
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 reveals that the more parks in a society, the greater
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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the number of fit people.
Besides
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 that, sports should be given prior significance in the academic curriculum,
thus
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 improving the participation of more students in them. We should
also
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 ban the shops with processed items and alcohol.
Finally
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, we should raise awareness about a balanced diet and how to ensure
intake
Correct article usage
the intake
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 of the required nutrients weekly.
To conclude
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, the alarming rate of unfitness is
due to
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 the surroundings and habits. If we can prevent these factors
such
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 as the availability of junk, technological addiction and dedicating less time to physical activities, and act in the above-mentioned ways,
this
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 problem can be stopped.

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coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion need to be more developed and clearly linked to the main points. Provide a brief overview and summary of the main arguments in these sections for better cohesion.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and supporting details that relate directly to the main idea. Use transition words to connect ideas and improve the flow of the essay.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples and statistical data to support the arguments. This will enhance the credibility and persuasiveness of the essay.
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