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Band 5

In some places, old age is valuable, while in other cultures youth is considered more important Discuss both views and give your opinion

#places #age #cultures #youth
One
 of the vital issues of a community is the average age of
it's
Replace the word
its
show examples
 people. Some believe that elders are more precious and essential than younger ones whereas
other
Correct pronoun usage
others
show examples
 think exactly vice versa.
Generally
Add a comma
,Generally
show examples
 young population has many more benefits for
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
society
 than
old
Correct article usage
an old
show examples
one
 as
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
has been proved in a long term study. In some countries that are rare indeed, executives assume elders have a lot of experiences that
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 been gained gradually in many years of
hard
Add a hyphen
hard-working
show examples
working
Replace the word
work
show examples
. They believe elders, as people who have spent their lives
to give
Change the verb form
giving
show examples
 service to the community, must be front runners in all fields of a
society
 whose directions can lead youngers rationally. They prefer to leave many political, social or cultural posts and vacancies to them rather than giving
Add an article
an opportunity
the opportunity
show examples
opportunity
Fix the agreement mistake
opportunities
show examples
 to youngsters in order to prevent or somehow decrease any possible risks and their irreparable consequences.
For example
, a president of a company does not dare to select his or her cabinet from young candidates.
On the contrary
, the majority of experts and social researchers imagine despite elder's valuable and sensible guidance, which is really respectable, we should regard their physical and mental abilities when they are getting
on for
Change preposition
into
show examples
60s
Change the article
the 60s
show examples
 that they are not powerful enough to do activities and work the same as what they have been doing already.
Eventually
Add a comma
,Eventually
show examples
 they become retired and turn into consumers only.
In
Change preposition
On
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this
occasion
Add a comma
,occasion
show examples
 governments are just charged to spend
vast
Add an article
a vast
the vast
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amount
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
show examples
 of money for various facilities without any outcome in return.
For example
, using different types of health care services that are left to insurance companies.
That is
 why they come up with the idea of advising people to increase the population in order to force the crowd to become an energetic
one
 in long term. In conclusion,
although
 both
side
Change to a plural noun
sides
show examples
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 their own merits
but
Remove the conjunction
apply
show examples
in
balance
Add a comma
,balance
show examples
second
 belief is more acceptable and
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
society
 needs
energetic
Correct article usage
an energetic
show examples
 and innovative population to thrust the community through the path
included
Wrong verb form
including
show examples
 many rivals in different fields
such
 as technology, politics, culture,…. We must regard that the outcome of
young
Correct article usage
a young
show examples
society
 despite risks is much more than the old
one
.
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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • repositories of knowledge
  • esteemed
  • insights
  • embedded
  • seeking advice
  • prioritizing
  • premium on innovation
  • dynamism
  • adaptability
  • technological advancements
  • entrepreneurs
  • pioneers
  • indispensable
  • stability
  • harmonious
  • progressive
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