IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #strain #health #care #system #education #lessons #school #curriculum
As the number of overweight folks increases, the burden on the health care system becomes more massive. It is believed by some that in order to prevent
this
, the schools are supposed to introduce more physical lessons in their curriculum. And personally, I believe
this
 could be beneficial for the community and for the government.
To begin
 with, having more mandated physical education taught at schools has major effects on overweight children and helps them to gain their ideal shape.
Additionally
, having to participate in compulsory physical classes at a young age teaches kids that maintaining a good physical posture is crucial regardless of their busy schedule,
therefore
, helping the health care system long term. As people get older of course, up to a certain age, they are getting more and more pre-occupied,
therefore
 having been taught that efforts to keep in shape as superficial and short as a plain daily exercise could have great outcomes after some time, they
endeavor
Change the spelling
endeavour
show examples
 to stay in shape more often. In conclusion, I believe that receiving physical education at school at a young age can result in long-term merits and less number of out-of-shape individuals
thus
 helping the community as fewer resources would be wasted on treating the overweight people.
Submitted by kiarashkarimian on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: