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Writing Samples
Band 6

Today, many young people spend too much of their free time at shopping malls. This can be considered negative for young people and society generally. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#people #time #malls #society
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There are those who opine that the practice of spending too much
time
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 in shopping centres could be detrimental to young
people
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 and
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society
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 as a whole. I fully agree with
this
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 view. In my opinion, if youngsters spend too much
time
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 shopping or in
malls
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, it can hurt not only their grades but
also
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 their financial situation because shopping requires both
time
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 and money. When young
people
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 become obsessed with shopping, they will find themselves in serious financial difficulties. If they hang out in the
malls
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, they will want to buy many things even if they do not really need them. As shopping requires money, youngsters will have to find a source of income.
Consequently
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, some of them may choose to
work
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 part-
time
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 or some might even quit their
studies
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 and
work
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full
Add a hyphen
full-time
show examples
time
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. Both are detrimental to their academic progress and career. Working part-
time
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 will reduce the amount of
time
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 they can focus on their
studies
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 and
thus
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 affect their grades. Now if they choose to quit
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studies
Correct pronoun usage
their studies
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 to
work
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full
Add a hyphen
full-time
show examples
time
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, they will seriously hurt their career prospects as well-paying jobs require at least a university degree. Some young
people
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 may choose not to
work
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.
Instead
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, they will get into crimes
such
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 as robbery. Obviously, spending excessive
time
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 in
malls
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 has a seriously negative impact on young
people
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. Excessive shopping
also
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 affects
society
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. It leads to excessive consumption which is detrimental to the environment.
Also
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, when young
people
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 are obsessed with spending, they will fall into the debt trap.
This
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 is bad for
society
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 as well. When they cannot find enough money to fulfil their shopping goals or to pay off their debts caused by excessive shopping, youngsters may get into illegal activities like robbery, shoplifting or even smuggling. All of these have a detrimental effect on
society
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. In short, shopping is good so long as it is done in moderation. If young
people
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 spend an excessive amount of
time
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 in
malls
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, they will not have much
time
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 to focus on their
studies
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 and they will
also
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 fall into debt. Obviously,
this
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 hurts them
as well as
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 their
society
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.
Submitted by akshata6.kas on

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task response
Make sure to clearly address all aspects of the prompt, including presenting a balanced perspective where necessary.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is generally good, but ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly and that ideas are developed coherently.
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