IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Statement: Some people prefer to develop a large social circle, whereas others prefer to have a few close relationships. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #circle #relationships
Today, there are some
people
 who have extrovert personalities and an interest in interacting with other
people
,
in contrast
, there are other
peoples
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 who are introverted and
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
don't like to communicate with society and
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
want to be alone,
this
 essay will explore positive and negative views and express my view in the end. On the one hand, some
people
 like to join with other
people
 and they have good relationships with friends and society,
in addition
, they want to expand their community higher than before
as well as
 not only have self-confidence but
also
 they are really kind,
furthermore
, they
due to
 good behaviour they can be able to guide other
people
 and they are the amazing leader for society, in my opinion,
this
 character has a good potential to become to hero and life is not difficult for
this
 part of
people
.
On the other hand
, there are
people
 who prefer to be alone and far from other
people
, they are always in isolation and often they find friends on social media and have virtual friends they have different ideas about contact with
people
 and
their
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 think it
avoid
Change the verb form
avoids
show examples
 of
people
 are one reason for their calm,
for instance
, they are feard of other
people
 say about them and they have protected themselves when they are at home. In conclusion, when we check both views we
noticed
Wrong verb form
notice
show examples
 that one part of
people
 that prefer to be separated from other
people
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 a long time can lead to illness for them and I think
so
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
this
 isolation
make
Verb problem
causes
show examples
 stress
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them and other parts always try to expand their relationships and they can increase self-confidence.
Submitted by mail.100jad on

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Task Response
Give more specific examples to support your points about the positive and negative aspects of having a large social circle versus a few close relationships.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph flows logically from one point to the next to improve the overall coherence of your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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