IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think scientific research should focus on solving world health problems. Others think that there are more important issues. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #research #focus #world #health
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
With the advancement of modern technologies
nowadays
Rephrase
apply
show examples
,
people
 have debated whether scientific studies must aim at finding cures for diseases rather than other areas of concern.
This
 essay will discuss either side and
then
 explain why I prefer for
research
 to give equal importance to all the
issues
 that matter in our society. To start with,
people
 are suggesting that more thorough
research
 should be
spent
Verb problem
done
show examples
 to deal with the deteriorating
health
 of our society. They are concerned that more and more
people
 are becoming sick
thus
, focused
research
 must be implemented to have answers to the
health
 problems that our communities are facing nowadays. One good example is the current pandemic. To
further
 elaborate, it has been 2 years since
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
COVID 19
Add a hyphen
COVID-19
show examples
 started and yet, there are still
people
 who die because of the virus. Vaccines may have been invented but it does not necessarily free us from the detrimental effects of
this
 phenomenon.
On the other hand
, some are debating that other
issues
 like economic stability, public safety and the
likes
Fix the agreement mistake
like
show examples
 are equally vital to the
health
issues
 that need to be focused on. They believe that being healthy will not be enough to survive
thus
 giving importance to sustainable living and being safe is a must.
In particular
, having peace of mind, of not worrying about
day to day
Add a hyphen
day-to-day
show examples
 life will give
also
a
Correct pronoun usage
one a
show examples
healthy life
thus
 life's function should come as equally important. In conclusion, as others may point out that
health
issues
 should be focused on
research
, I believe other society's functions should
also
 be given equal importance.
Submitted by clezurnna on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
The essay provides a relevant response to the task but lacks thorough development of ideas. It is important to elaborate more on each view before presenting a balanced opinion.
coherence and cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is clear, with a well-presented introduction and conclusion. However, the body paragraphs could be more logically organized to improve coherence.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: