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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

There is an increasing trend of old people living longer in many countries around the world. Do you think this has a positive or a negative effect on the population as a whole?

#trend #people #countries #world #effect #population
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The population is ageing and
this
 has raised the awareness of many authorities about a potential danger to their societies. Undoubtedly the
number
 of elders who live longer has been growing in all regions.
Although
this
 could be a good sign of improved healthcare, society is suffering from its consequences. Prolonged life expectancy means that a successful healthcare system is in place, which is a sign of development. Medical advancements have reduced the
number
 of diseases that are the main causes of death.
For instance
, today many new drugs and therapies are available to treat cancer.
Besides
, financial and social security have resulted in better mental health, so there will be fewer mental disorders.
Such
 as
phycological
Correct your spelling
psychological
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 disorders that can reduce
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
life expectancy.
However
, there are some negative impacts on society if there
will
Verb problem
is
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 be large
number
 of elders living in a country.
This
 means there will be scarce availability of workforce, because, it is the young generation that accounts for the majority of workers, and not the elderly.
Likewise
, Europe which has most of its population allocated to
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
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 has been employing youngsters from other countries.
In addition
, old people are fragile and usually need to be taken care of by youngsters.
For example
, a big demand for nurses will be required to care
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 them. In conclusion, a huge
number
 of old people is a sign of medical advancements,
however
, it means that the country is dealing with a lack of workforce. In my opinion, the
states'
Correct your spelling
state's
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 power must take action to prevent
this
 from happening else it will cause irreversible changes to society. Many countries will be facing
such
situation
Correct article usage
a situation
show examples
 in the near future, so they must act now.
Submitted by amirreza.alise on

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task achievement
To improve the task response, ensure your examples are specific and directly support your points. For instance, naming specific countries or studies can add credibility and clarity.
coherence cohesion
In terms of coherence and cohesion, use more linking phrases to strengthen the flow between paragraphs. This will improve the overall readability of your essay.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction effectively sets up the essay's topic and presents a clear stance, which is well maintained throughout the essay.
supported main points
The essay uses relevant arguments to discuss both the positive and negative effects of an aging population.
logical structure
The logical structure of the essay is sound, with clear paragraphs addressing separate points.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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