IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many animals are becoming endangered due to the loss of their natural habitat through urban development and deforestation. Is it important to protect animals? How can we solve this problem?

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Many
animals
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 today are in danger of disappearing. As the population grows, we need more houses and facilities and,
therefore
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, we have to create more land by cutting down trees.
This
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 leads to
animals
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 losing their natural homes.
This
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 essay will discuss why I believe we need to help these
animals
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 and
also
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 consider how we can do
this
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.
Firstly
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, some people say we should not protect endangered
animals
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 because that would be interfering with nature, but I believe we should. When we cut down forests to build cities, we are changing the environment, so we need to think about all of the plants and
animals
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 in order to keep a balance.
For example
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, pandas eat only bamboo, and when
this
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 plant is destroyed, they cannot adapt and survive;
therefore
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, people are causing the problem, so it is our responsibility to find an answer. There are several ways in which we can help to protect
animals
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 in danger.
Firstly
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, the government needs to be more careful when planning new developments; they need to examine the land they are using and decide if it should be protected.
Additionally
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, the public
need
Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
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 to be more aware;
we
Correct word choice
that we
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 should not use products like rhino horn which harm endangered
animals
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.
This
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 is very important and we need to be more involved if we want our children to see the same
animals
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 in the future. In conclusion,
it is clear that
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 we need to protect
animals
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 more in the future if we want to be sure that future generations can enjoy them. To protect
this
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 wildlife, it is important that both the government and the public become more involved.

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task response
The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the importance of protecting endangered animals and suggesting solutions to the problem. Consider providing more specific examples to further support your points.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clear and effectively address the topic. The essay is well-structured with a logical progression of ideas. Work on providing smoother transitions between paragraphs to enhance coherence and cohesion.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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