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Band 5

Nowadays, people spend more and more time away from their families. Why is this? What effect will it have on themselves and their families?

#people #time #families #effect
Correct your spelling
Not
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No
Correct your spelling
Not
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surprisingly
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surprise
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 that in modern society, adolescents are driven by varieties of causes so
that
Correct word choice
whether
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 they go away from their hometown willingly or not. It makes them have less time
stay
Fix the infinitive
to stay
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 with their family members. The essay will highlight several reasons leading to the phenomenon and the influence the phenomenon would have. The factors multiply, but the most significant one may be that there will be more chances away from their
families
.
For instance
, it is no doubt that there are more work and study opportunities, numbers of world-top corporations, famous campuses, in metropolis especially Shanghai and Shenzhen compared with those small villages. It drives oceans of
people
 to leave their
hometown
Fix the agreement mistake
hometowns
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 and chase the
possible
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possibility
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 of well-being. Another one is the need of escaping from the comfort zone.
In
Change preposition
On
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one
Correct article usage
the one
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 hand,
stay
Wrong verb form
staying
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 away from parents is hurt, for the young cannot get
the
Correct article usage
a
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 hand from their family.
On the other hand
, it fosters
ones
Change to a genitive case
one's
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 capability of independence, those
people
 have to learn how to cook, how
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
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raise money, and handle all kinds of issues they may come across. As a saying goes, pain makes
people
 develop.
Besides
 the advantages mentioned in the
second
 and the
third
 paragraph, spending time away from
families
 has its problems. Without
advanced
Correct article usage
an advanced
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 social welfare system, those young men will not take care
their
Change preposition
of their
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families
 at once if accidents
occurs
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occur
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.
Moreover
, hometown means a lot
for
Change preposition
to
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 a person, particularly
as to
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apply
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the Chinese.
Hence
 staying away from their homeland will make them sick. To conclude,
people
Add the comma(s)
,people
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 spending more time away from their
families
 mainly aim at a long-going good for individual. They can develop a lot during
this
 experience, but their family members may bring passive effects on them.
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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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