Some people believe that the government Should take care of old people and provide financial support after they retire. Others say individuals should save during their working years to fund their own retirement. What is your opinion? Give reason for your answer and include examples from your own experience

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The question of whether elderly individuals ought to be taken
care
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of by the authorities has prompted a substantial debate.
While
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many champion
this
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, which I completely support, because the constitution mandates it, and they pay
taxes
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during their labor days. Others contend against
this
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idea. Analyzing
this
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factuality will give a comprehensive understanding of
this
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subject matter.
Firstly
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,
this
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is actually their constitutional right, so it should be upheld.
For example
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, in Nigeria, old people are seen on the street begging because
leaders
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embezzled all the funds meant to take
care
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of the aged, which is against the law. Obviously, taking
care
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of the aged group is a task only the state can handle.
Thus
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, it is the government's responsibility to cater for the retired folks and should be implemented.
Secondly
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. They
also
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paid
taxes
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to the authorities when they were still strong.
For instance
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, Anambra state has the most effective operating system, because everyone that
paid
Wrong verb form
pays
show examples
taxes
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is catered for at retirement. Clearly, they did not pay
taxes
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themselves, so it is a duty solely meant for people in power.
Hence
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, the
leaders
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should assume the complete responsibility of the retired group. In my opinion,
leaders
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are obligated in accordance with the constitutional law and by virtue of receiving tax contributions when they are young. In conclusion, the argument that the government should
care
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for retired folks has sparked a considerable dispute. Some advocate for
this
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, which, in my opinion, is better
due to
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the law mandates it and that the elderly pay
taxes
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while
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they are working.
However
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, others challenge
this
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notion. Examining
this
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fact has proved that it is the responsibility of the
leaders
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to cater to the retired citizens.
Submitted by Eby on

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task achievement
Consider rephrasing your introduction to more directly address the question's prompt, providing a clear thesis statement that sums up your stance. This will ensure your essay immediately aligns with the task.
task achievement
To improve task achievement, focus on expanding your arguments with a broader range of examples and deeper analysis. This will enhance the clarity and comprehensiveness of your ideas.
coherence cohesion
Introduce a variety of cohesive devices beyond simple connectors to improve the flow of your essay. This includes synonym usage, reference words, and paraphrasing, which can enhance coherence.
coherence cohesion
Ensure all paragraphs are well-developed and clearly focused. Each paragraph should start with a clear topic sentence and be followed by supporting details and examples related to your main argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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