IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Smoking is a major cause of serious illness and death throughout the world today. In the interest of public health, governments should ban cigarettes and other tobacco products. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#illness #death #world #interest #health #governments #ban #cigarettes #tobacco #products
In recent times, smoking
is
Wrong verb form
has been
show examples
 known to be the most significant contributor to serious
health
 issues,
as well as
 death around the world.
As a result
, it is widely held that
cigarettes
 and other tobacco products should be banned by the government for the sake of public
health
. In my opinion, I strongly agree with
this
 statement because society as a whole is threatened by the effects of smoking.
To begin
 with, smoking is not only harmful to smokers themselves but
also
 to other
people
 surrounding them.
This
 is because
smoke
 from
cigarettes
 contains dangerous chemical substances and can spread through the air extensively and instantly, leading to non-smokers unintentionally breathing in the
smoke
.
For example
, smoking in the park will affect a host of
people
 ranging from children to elderly
people
, whose
health
 is particularly susceptible to detrimental
smoke
.
This
 proves that smoking produces negative impacts on the
health
 of a wide range of
people
 in the community and should be strictly prohibited.
Furthermore
, another reason why
cigarettes
 and other tobacco goods should not be allowed to
sell
Wrong verb form
be sold
show examples
 is a concern about other follow-up physical problems. To explain, smoking naturally leads to ailments related to the respiratory system, but more severe illnesses could
subsequently
 come and worsen the situation.
For instance
, individuals who frequently
inheld
Verb problem
inhale
show examples
smoke
 might suffer from lung cancer which is associated with the circulatory system and heart.
As a result
, those serious ailments can be prevented, if the number of smokers is lower by disallowing sales of smoking goods. In conclusion, it is my firm belief that
cigarettes
 and other tobacco products should be banned in order to prevent serious illnesses and death
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the public. If the government regulates an effective law to forbid selling smoking products, the worldwide rate of
health
 problems and
death
Fix the agreement mistake
deaths
show examples
 caused by smoking will surely drop.
Submitted by chachapanisara on

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task response
Task achievement: The response clearly addresses all parts of the task. The writer presents a clear viewpoint and provides relevant examples to support this opinion. However, a more balanced discussion of opposing views could further enhance the response.
coherence cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: The essay has a clear structure with an introduction and conclusion. The ideas are logically organized and linked, making the essay easy to follow. However, a wider range of cohesive devices could be used to improve the overall coherence.

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