Some people think that music plays an important role in society. Others think it is simply a form of entertainment. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#people #music #role #society #form #entertainment

Some

people

argue that

music

is just a component of enjoyment, while others argue that

music

has a great influence on the public.

This

essay will outline why they support each side and suggest my opinion on the matter. On the one hand, some

people

assert that

music

is just one

part

entertainment

Add an article

the entertainment

show examples

. A significant number of

people

play

music

when they have a party in order to enjoy the moment. In fact, there are many bars and night clubs over the world that play

music

to make their customers feel enjoyable.

Hence

music

is a

part

entertainment

Add an article

the entertainment

show examples

that

people

become pleased

Change preposition

with.

show examples

Comparably, while

people

can live without

music

, they cannot sustain their living without public services.

Therefore

music

is not an integral

part

Change preposition

show examples

contemporary society.

Hence

music

does not take

part

crucial

Add an article

a crucial

show examples

part

Change preposition

show examples

society.

On the other hand

, some argue that

music

is indispensable in

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

modern society. There are compelling reasons.

Firstly

music

help

people

maintain national identities as

music

represent

Correct subject-verb agreement

represents

show examples

culture. Not only can

music

protect culture, but it may

also

contribute to

people

keeping history, thereby leading to having national identities among citizens.

In addition

music

plays a key factor in reducing the severe symptoms of mental health illnesses since it helps

people

concentrate on

music

rather than obsessional thinking.

For example

, Recent media in Korea reports that almost 80% of mental hospitals in Korea use

music

as a therapeutic method

Change preposition

for

show examples

patients. As the example clearly illustrates,

music

provide

Change the verb form

provides

show examples

an efficient means of maintaining citizens’ mental health. From my perspective,

music

has

Remove the article

apply

show examples

power since it motivates and encourages the population in order to overcome difficulties.

For instance

, when Japan conquered Korea during

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

world war 2, Korean ancestors kept singing to maintain persistence and resistance.

As a result

, they could get their country back.

Hence

music

provides courage to

people

. In conclusion,

although

music

can sometimes be just enjoyable, there is no doubt that

music

has

Remove the article

apply

show examples

great power on the public.

Music

help

Change the form of the verb

helps

show examples

people

have national identities, treat mental illnesses

Remove the comma

apply

show examples

and

encourage

Correct subject-verb agreement

encourages

show examples

them to deal with difficulties.

Submitted by hiasince38 on Thu May 12 2022

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Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

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‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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11Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
3Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
16Grammar mistakes
 

5 paragraphs

349 words

6.00

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 8.5

Complete response

8.5

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Some people think that music plays an important role in society. Others think it is simply a form of entertainment. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

With the increased global demand in oil amd gas, undiscovered areas of world should be opened up to access more resources. To what extent do you agree?

62.Some people say that advertising is extremely successful at persuading us to buy things. Other people think that advertising is so common that we no longer pay attention to it. Disucuss both these views and give your own opinion

Some people think that job satisfaction is more important than job security. Others think that people cannot expect to enjoy a job and that having a permanent job is more important. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Many believe that individuals can do little to improve the environment. Only governments and large companies can make a real difference. To what extent do you agree or disagree?