IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

The money that governments spend on military defence would be much better spent on poverty. To what extent do you agree with this view?

How much
money
Use synonyms
 the government
spending
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spends
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 on
a particular areas
Correct the article-noun agreement
a particular area
particular areas
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 of development in a
country
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 is a controversial topic. Some
people
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 say that the
money
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 should be spent on military
defense
Change the spelling
defence
show examples
 whereas others think it would be better to spend on poverty
issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues
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. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will examine the reason for those viewpoints and give my own opinion. There is
conceivable
Add an article
the conceivable
a conceivable
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 reason why the
governments
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 allocating the budget for progression in a certain area like the way to protect the
country
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. The
first
Linking Words
 of which is that the
governments
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 are responsible for the citizens’
life
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.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the war is not
expecting
Wrong verb form
expected
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 to occur because it leads to
deaths
Correct article usage
the deaths
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
. As
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Linking Words
consequently
Replace the word
consequence
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, the
governments
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 have to cope with the risk of a conflict between countries resulting in wars, and the troupe
of
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apply
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military
Add an article
the military
a military
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 is the crucial aspect to spend
money
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 on.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some
people
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 argue that poverty in a
country
Use synonyms
 is more essential to be improved by
money
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. More
money
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 should be
sharing
Wrong verb form
shared
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to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 the poor because they could be more beneficial to the
country
Use synonyms
 in the future if they get the opportunity in
life
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. The deficiency of
money
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 is a consequence of the poor society being unable to afford food. It leads to the children working illegally at a very young age to obtain necessary factors in
life
Use synonyms
.
As a result
Linking Words
, the
governments
Use synonyms
 face another problem to be solved with
excess
Add an article
an excess
the excess
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 amount of
money
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 due to the less amount of
money
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allocating
Wrong verb form
allocated
show examples
. In conclusion,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
military
defense
Change the spelling
defence
show examples
 is significant because it is linked to everyone’s lives.
However
Linking Words
, the poverty in the
country
Use synonyms
 is another aspect for the government to spend more
money
Use synonyms
 on owing to the poor’s lives. In my opinion, the
governments
Use synonyms
 should provide more budget to the poor because poor
people
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struggling
Wrong verb form
struggle
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everyday
Replace the word
every day
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 while the war does not happen easily in someone’s
Use synonyms
Correct your spelling
lifetime
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life time
Correct your spelling
lifetime
show examples
.

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Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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