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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than any other important professionals. Some people think it is justified while others think it is unfair. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Athletes have been known to inspire
people
Use synonyms
 all across the globe, getting high monetary benefits in the process.
Whilst some
Correct word choice
Some
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 believe that it is unfair for them to get
such
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 high returns
instead
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 of
people
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 who work in the alternative, but just as important, trades. I,
however
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, opine that it is absolutely justified.
This
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 essay will discuss both perspectives
along with
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 suitable arguments. Sportsmen are looked up to as role models for physical fitness by the majority of
people
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, which is not an easy standard to uphold. They need to undertake an intensive training regime accompanied by an even stricter diet in order to ensure their ability to perform at the time required.
For example
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, Virat Kohli, who is the captain of the Indian cricket team, is known to exercise for at least 4 hours daily and
also
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 has excluded salt and sugar entirely from his diet. Now, if he is financially rewarded in the form of brand endorsements or contract fees, in my opinion, it is only a result of his hard work.
On the contrary
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, many
people
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 believe that other important professionals like economists, police officers or firefighters should be compensated equally.
Although
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, I acknowledge the fact that without the aforementioned workers, our economy and society may fall apart and play an important role, questioning the income of sportspersons is not correct. The income of every athlete or sportsman is not on the same level, the compensation they get is entirely dependent on the person and not the sport as a whole.
For instance
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,
while
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 Ronaldo Messi is amongst the
highest paid
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highest-paid
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 persons in the entire world, other footballers who play regionally are hardly able to make
the
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apply
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ends meet.
Similarly
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, if we take every Harvard Business
school
Capitalize word
School
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 graduate into consideration, I am certain that not everyone will be drawing big paychecks.
Therefore
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, we can not include everyone under the same blanket. In conclusion, I strongly believe that if a sportsman is able to make a great deal of money, it is only because of his own hard work, dedication and ability. Nobody else should be authorized to judge or evaluate the fairness in the matter, irrespective of the field that person may belong .

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coherence and cohesion
Your introduction clearly presents the topic and your stance, which is good. However, make sure to include a clear thesis statement that previews the main points of your essay.
task achievement
You have provided a well-structured response that addresses the task prompt. Your ideas are relevant and examples are provided to support your points, which is good. Make sure to fully address both sides of the argument, and also provide a balanced approach in your own opinion.
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