Some say that because many people are living much longer ,the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably. To what extent do you agree or disagree

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Nowadays, life expectancy has been increasing in terms of modern medicine and some other factors. Majority claim that at the expense of long ages ,the retirement

age

Use synonyms

should be extended .

However

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, I do not agree with

this

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point of view.

Firstly

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, despite the fact that the majority of people are living longer recruits are still ageing at a certain

age

Use synonyms

In other words

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long

Correct article usage

a long

show examples

life expectancy does not mean high productivity .As the workers get older, their brains would become less active .

As a result

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, they are not able to compete with younger employers .

Moreover

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, ageing makes them less reaction and unable to adapt to the physical demand of their jobs .

In addition

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this

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,those who have a long lifespan tend to obtain some

chronical

Correct your spelling

chronic

illnesses and

this

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obligates them to take sick leaves.

Secondly

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, we know that grandparents are the main provider of national and cultural values.

Therefore

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, prolonging the retirement

age

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and engaging the old with the work will seriously harm the fabric of society.

In other words

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,grandparenting plays an indispensable role in the upbringing and nursing of the young generation and because of having less time for grandchildren they may walk on a criminal road.

For example

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,according to the statistics in the family which have grandparents the ratio of criminal reports is considerably low . In conclusion, the retirement

age

Use synonyms

should

be remained

Change to the active voice

remain

have remained

show examples

despite a longer lifespan as their health condition is worse at a certain

age

Use synonyms

Moreover

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,grandparents are the most important people

Change preposition

show examples

society in upbringing new generation.

Submitted by uluga2002 on Fri May 20 2022

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10
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meeting the goal of 7 or more
1
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

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Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 6.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 6.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 9.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

257 words

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Some say that because many people are living much longer ,the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably. To what extent do you agree or disagree

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