There days, many people like to watch live performances (such as shows or concerts) at home, either on TV or on a computer, instead of attending in person. Do the advantages of this trend outweigh its disadvantages?
A selection of individuals keen on watching live shows
such
as theatres or live music on a television or a computer in their houses instead
of going by themselves. From my perspective, this
notion provides people with benefits more than drawbacks and my supporting reason will be outlined in the following paragraphs before reaching a conclusion.
At the outset, there are several positive effects of watching in their accommodation and the most significant is that people can look after their physical health
. To elaborate further
, going to shows or concerts can lead to ear problems because the sound on
those events is always too loud and unbearable. Change preposition
at
Moreover
, individuals might have eyesight issues due to
the fact that there are a lot of spotlights shooting at audiences all the time. An apt illustration, I went to one of my favourite bands' concert last
year and the day after the concert, I barely heard what my parents were trying to say to me; besides
, my eyes were blurred and hurt; as well
as
, it was hard to focus on one particular thing, because numerous spotlights shooting at my eyes directly throughout the show.
Change preposition
apply
Additionally
, another clear upside is citizens can be able to maintain their mental health
. To explain in greater detail, after performances are finished, they do not have to waste their time on the road with a build-up traffic
, making them crossed and flustrated. Change preposition
of traffic
Furthermore
, we can see on several news that attendees in many concerts have some conflicts and fights which in turn the performer has to stop their plays immediately, destroying others' moods. To specifically demonstrate, one of my friends attended the
famous band concert Correct article usage
a
last
month and the group of teenagers sitting in front of him started to taunt each other; consequently
, ended with a big clash. Hence
, the lead vocal decided to stop their performances and when he was driving out from the parking lot; sequentially, he needed to face the hassle of driving like horn honking, bottlenecks, etc. which made him feel hotheaded and annoyed.
All in all, it is a fact that the population these days tends to attend live performances at home as both a television or a computer offer a lot of advantages to its users, namely, citizens can still maintain their physical health
and look after their mental health
which are paramount factors in our lives.Submitted by nnatthinee on
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task achievement
While the essay provides a complete response to the prompt and offers relevant supporting examples, it could benefit from a clearer distinction between main points and supporting details. Try to make sure each paragraph has one central idea that is clearly stated and developed.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is generally good, but there are occasional abrupt transitions between points. Using transition words and phrases, as well as structuring your paragraphs more clearly, will make your argument easier to follow.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps to frame the response effectively.
task achievement
The use of personal examples adds a strong element of authenticity and relevance to the discussion.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example