IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#say #people #age #work
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The lifespans of modern individuals have improved, and these can be attributed to advancements in healthcare and
living
Correct article usage
the living
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 environment. Whether or not to prolong their working lifespan,
however
Linking Words
, will require an in-depth discussion. Personally, I believe that the time for
retirement
Use synonyms
 should be individualised, giving our seniors
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 freedom to continue working if they wish,
instead
Linking Words
 of mandating
an
Change the article
a
show examples
 later
age
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 for
retirement
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, which may
in turn
Add the comma(s)
, in turn,
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 do more harm than good.
First
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 and foremost, pushing back the
age
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 for
retirement
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 can cause burnout and exhaustion for many employees.
Although
Linking Words
 more experienced employees can perform the duty better than a junior colleague, it is easy to see that a worker labouring for over thirty years will be burnout and tired. Seniors are more prone to minor health issues and concentration issues, which will, in turn, reduce
productivity
Add an article
the productivity
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 of the company.
Thus
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, in a nutshell, a timely
retirement
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 will be a relief for the individual, the company and
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society.
Furthermore
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, by allowing people to retire earlier, more resources are made available. Upon
retirement
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, promotion within the company is accelerated and more job opportunities
made
Add a missing verb
are made
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 possible for new graduates and
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society. Older people can have more freedom to develop their hobbies or join voluntary work, which can bring about satisfaction and
sense
Correct article usage
a sense
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 of self-control. Compared with those who work after
retirement
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, aged residents have a higher level of life satisfaction and happiness.
In addition
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, elders can spend more time with their families to encourage bonding and spare the parents time for career development.
Therefore
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, my view of not raising the
age
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 of
retirement
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 is convincingly justified. To conclude, I see that there are potent pieces of evidence to support my
arguement
Correct your spelling
argument
,
hence
Linking Words
 supporting the view of keeping the
age
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 of
retirement
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 as it is, rather than a mandatory delay in
retirement
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age
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.
Submitted by ichtsang on

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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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