IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

In the developed world, average life expectancy is increasing. What problems will this cause for individuals and society? Suggest some measures that could be taken to reduce the impact of ageing populations.

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The growing trend of extension of life expectancy in developed countries will lead to serious problems for both individuals and society. More
people
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 will have struggling experience as they are required to take care of their seniors. The lack of a young
workforce
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 caused by
this
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 trend
also
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 damages the national economy. A flexible working style will be necessary to have a balanced lifestyle to protect their own health and
companies
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 should attract more young workers to promote their contribution for a longer period of time. One of the primary problems caused by ageing is the increasing need to take care of elderlies.
In other words
Linking Words
,
people
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 spend an incredible amount of time taking them to hospitals, managing their medicine, and preparing their meals
while
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 they still often have to work and educate their own children.
This
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 can cause intensive stress, which can result in deteriorating health conditions
due to
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 the overwhelming workload. In fact, there are a number of
people
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 forced to retire each year as they constantly suffer from insomnia and a deep sense of depression in Japan.
Therefore
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, a flexible working style should be encouraged so they can take a rest and work at an individual pace without harming their well-being. Another issue that arises from an increasing number of seniors is the shortage of young
workforce
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, which affects the national economy.
For instance
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, Japan has already seen a huge drop in young workers as older
people
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 are more likely to continue their jobs even after their retirement age.
This
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 has made it difficult for
companies
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 to meet the altering needs of the public as they lack younger human resources whose computer and language skills are usually superior to seniors.
Consequently
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, employers have to take a more active approach to attract them so they can support their
companies
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 by producing more creative items and selling them to international customers to boost their sales.
Thus
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, a system to reward those who have made outstanding achievements should be established to gain more attention from the young
workforce
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 for
companies
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 to survive in a more competitive society. In conclusion, the ageing society has made it more challenging for individuals to deal with a number of tasks including taking care of their elderly, their own jobs and children. A flexible working style should be introduced to allow them to have a more balanced lifestyle.
Furthermore
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, since a lack of young force will lead to a stagnant economy,
companies
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 should employ more young
workforce
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, who make a prolonged commitment using advanced techniques and knowledge.

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coherence cohesion
Try to integrate a wider variety of transition words and linking phrases to connect ideas even more smoothly. This will enhance the flow and make your essay easier to read. Consider phrases like 'moreover,' 'in addition,' and 'consequently' to enrich your text.
task achievement
Elaborate slightly more on how suggested measures could mitigate the problems outlined. This will strengthen the direct link between the problems and solutions provided. For instance, explain how a flexible working style can alleviate specific stresses or give more examples of successful company strategies to employ more young workers.
task achievement
The essay provides a clear and comprehensive response to the task, identifying relevant problems and suggesting measures to mitigate them.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-structured, effectively setting the stage for the discussion and summarizing key points.
task achievement
Specific examples such as the situation in Japan help to substantiate the points made, enhancing the relevance and depth of the essay.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • average life expectancy
  • developed world
  • increase
  • individuals
  • society
  • personal goals
  • ambitions
  • quality of life
  • leisure
  • recreation
  • healthcare costs
  • challenges
  • healthcare system
  • ageing population
  • shortage
  • available workers
  • economy
  • retirement planning
  • healthy lifestyles
  • investing
  • social support systems
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