IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

It seems clear that obesity in today's society is to some extent due to the availability of fast food.

#obesity #society #availability #food
Nowadays, there are a number of problems
around
Change preposition
with
show examples
 health. One of these is obesity
Correct your spelling
which
show examples
wich
Correct your spelling
which
show examples
 seems to be increasing each day due to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
unhealthy
food
. The government should take action to stop it. In my
opinion
Add a comma
,opinion
show examples
 they must put economic policies to solve
this
 trouble. If you walk around the city you can find a
fast
Add a hyphen
fast-food
show examples
food
restaurant
 on each corner, they are everywhere. I think that it is possible because
this
 type of business is cheap. Their ingredients are basics and they can control the costs.
Therefore
, creating a fast
food
restaurant
 is economically easy. They do not spend a lot of money
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 quality
food
 so they become unhealthy
food
 restaurants. If the government force
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
this
 establishment to pay a tax due to their bad
poperties
Correct your spelling
properties
food
, maybe decided to start
other kind
Change the wording
another kind
other kinds
show examples
 of eating place.
Although
 I think a tax could help, it is not the only solution. Usually, the people who eat fast are workers
in
Change preposition
during
show examples
 their break time for lunch. Our lifestyle is crucial in
this
 situation. People run all day to go everywhere and have no time to cook at home or to go to a good
restaurant
 to eat.
This
 way of living has caused obstacles in our feeding.
Nevertheless
, fast
food
restaurant
Fix the agreement mistake
restaurants
show examples
 are not the only
responsibles
Correct your spelling
responsible
 for obesity in our society. On the other side of the coin, there are bad
food
 products
such
 as sweets, chips, industrial
bakery
Fix the agreement mistake
bakeries
show examples
, etc, that we can find
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
in the market and
this
 is part of the problem too. In conclusion, putting a tax on fast
food
 could be a good start, but other types of
food
 should
also
 have it.
Submitted by duniafaust on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: