Some people say that individuals who make a lot of money are the most successful. Others think that those who contribute to society, like scientists and teachers, are more successful.

Certain
individuals
insist that
people
who are wealthier are the most successful person in the world. Whereas,
on the other
hand
Add the comma(s)
,hand
show examples
there are some
individuals
who
Correct your spelling
believe
show examples
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
show examples
that
teachers
and
scientists
are more successful as they contribute to
society
. In my opinion, to some
extent
Add a comma
,extent
show examples
I agree with
this
statement but the other one is quite logical and suitable
that
Correct word choice
which
show examples
I will explain
further
in the essay.
To begin
with, most
people
who are wealthier in our
society
are
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
business
mans
Correct your spelling
men
show examples
because they have high
income
Fix the agreement mistake
incomes
show examples
due to their high net worth.
Therefore
, the majority of the
people
state that
richest
Correct article usage
the richest
show examples
people
are more flourished as compared to others. Another reason
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
why
people
support
this
fact is that many business
mans
Correct your spelling
men
show examples
have
high
Add an article
a high
the high
show examples
quality of lifestyle they have various
levish
Correct your spelling
lavish
elvish
products
such
as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
cars,
bunglows
Correct your spelling
bungalows
, and even
jewelleries
Change the wording
jewellery
pieces of jewellery
show examples
.
Secondly
Add a comma
,Secondly
show examples
there is no doubt that there are some well-off
individuals
who work in reputable companies by acquiring
higher
Add an article
a higher
the higher
show examples
position
Fix the agreement mistake
positions
show examples
. They may
also
have the quality to run their own businesses. So, to get
this
position
such
peoples have high ambitions and experience in their field of job. Due to
this
Add a comma
,this
show examples
they gain trust, respect, and huge monthly income and
this
leads to
make
Change the verb form
making
show examples
a huge contribution
towards
Change preposition
to
show examples
the economy of the
country
. For, instance nowadays there are many
Add a hyphen
start-up
show examples
start
Change to a plural noun
starts
show examples
up businesses of
such
reputable
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
show examples
who earn good profit and contribute
towards
Change preposition
to
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
.
On the other hand
, not only business
mans
Correct your spelling
men
show examples
or rich
individuals
participate in the betterment of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
but
also
teachers
and
scientists
plays
Change the verb form
play
show examples
more
Add an article
a more
show examples
vital role
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
the contribution
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
as compared to wealthier
poeple
Correct your spelling
people
. To illustrate
this
, I agree with the
individuals
that
says
Change the verb form
say
show examples
that
teachers
and
scientists
are more successful because they contribute
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
by
Change preposition
in
show examples
different ways.
This
means that
teachers
are the
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
who
make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
people
more knowledgeable and successful in their
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
and
such
things directly help the
country
to have more successful entrepreneurs. Another advantage is that professors help the students to learn subjects
such
as economics which is useful for the betterment of the
country
.
Furthermore
, the profession of scientist is now becoming popular as they study various things and they
also
do
many
Replace the quantifier
much
show examples
scientific research which
help
Change the verb form
helps
show examples
the
country
to become
more
Change the word
apply
show examples
better. So,
scientists
also
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
play an important role
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
the community. For, example many
scientists
are researching
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
how to reduce global warming in the world. In conclusion, I would like to say that money is very important for the development of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
.
However
,
similarly
knowledge and experience
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
a particular field make the
countries
Change noun form
country's
show examples
betterment more effective and earlier
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
compared
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
putting money.
Hence
, it
differ
Change the verb form
differs
show examples
from person to person and everyone
as
Correct your spelling
has
show examples
their own perspective regarding
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
statements.
Submitted by dumebiugwu1999 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial prosperity
  • capitalizing
  • luxury travel
  • exclusive experiences
  • contributions to society
  • humanitarian workers
  • lasting impact
  • highly subjective
  • cultural, societal, and personal values
  • comfort and security
  • deeper personal satisfaction
  • holistic understanding
What to do next:
Look at other essays: