IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Schools should use films, computers and games instead of books. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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It is commonly believed that schools should use films, computers and games
instead
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 of books . I partly agree whit
this
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 opinion
due to
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 the reasons which will be discussed in the following paragraphs . On the one hand, using of new technology
such
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 as computers or mobile phones to teach students in schools is very great and exiting for them . Because today the digital dustry is growing rapidly . All things and jobs are done through digital .
Therefore
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, it is difficult and boring that learners learn without digital equipment, as they are often using their mobils or ipads outside of school . So it is better for them learn whit electronic devices .
For example
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: my older son learned some math concepts by downloading the app in his tablet and
this
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 learning was very joyous and easy for him . I think that some people'opposition to the digitalization of school can not prevent it from happening .
On the other hand
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, I disagree with removal of the textbook from educational system . The textbooks are good sources of information . Reading educational, scientific and story books are very useful and enjoyable . Psychologically reading and studying a paper makes a person feel calm, specialty in silence and solitude .
For example
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: when I was worried or boried, I really relaxed after reading a good story novel because we can sink into the heart of the stories . Forthermore, papers can be touched but digital does not have
this
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 property . Sometimes learners need to thuch for better learning . Specially elementary pupils remember more things by seeing and touching pictures in the reports . In fact the written paper is a good and kind friend for us and our child, who is with us in our loneliness .
To sum up
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 as discussed in the above paragraphs I partially agree with
this
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 idea that schools should use films, games and computers
instead
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 of books but with the proper supervision of teachers .

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task achievement
The introduction should clearly present the topic and your position on it. Avoid informal language such as 'whit' and ensure words are spelled correctly, like 'with'.
coherence cohesion
The body paragraphs should each focus on a central idea and be logically developed with clear supports. Avoid repetition and improve sentence variety for better structure throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
Make effective use of linking words to join ideas and ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs. Proofread to correct grammatical errors and enhance the overall flow of the essay.
task achievement
Support your main points with relevant examples and illustrate them fully. Use a mix of general and specific details to strengthen your arguments.
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