IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

In soem countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to slove them?

#soem #countries #weight #people #levels #health #fitness #measures #slove
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In
this
Linking Words
 new age, some nations' median population weight of
people
Use synonyms
 is rising at an alarming rate.
Consequently
Linking Words
, their health and fitness will
then
Linking Words
 experience a rapid fall. It is apparent that the cause of
this
Linking Words
 lies in the advancement of
technology
Use synonyms
, particularly in areas
such
Linking Words
 as mobility for
work
Use synonyms
 and entertainment.
Firstly
Linking Words
, since the start of the Covid-19 pandemic,
work
Use synonyms
-from-
home
Use synonyms
 became mandatory for all workers.
Therefore
Linking Words
, they can start
work
Use synonyms
 right beside their bed, with no need to spend energy going to
work
Use synonyms
. Whereas before, employees needed to move to go to
work
Use synonyms
 either by public transportation, bikes or walking, but nowadays they spend their whole day in front of the computer sitting down and not moving a single inch which will lead to gaining weight
In addition
Linking Words
, with the new era of
technology
Use synonyms
 applied to
people
Use synonyms
's daily life, preference for what is deemed fun has been transformed.
For instance
Linking Words
, millennials as children spent time outside playing with friends in a game like a tag that required constant moving which doubled as
exercise
Use synonyms
.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, gen z spent their time playing video games at
home
Use synonyms
 and meeting their friends online,
this
Linking Words
 lifestyle had stuck to most of them growing up and now they rather stay put at
home
Use synonyms
 than go out to move. One of the solutions
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 is to combine entertainment and
exercise
Use synonyms
 with
technology
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, Peloton has become a big brand in the UK which combines
exercise
Use synonyms
 with personal trainers digitally.
This
Linking Words
 has made
people
Use synonyms
 more reluctant to
exercise
Use synonyms
 because it seems fun but done in the comfort of their own
home
Use synonyms
. A simple addition to
people
Use synonyms
's daily life can impact their health and fitness significantly in a good way. In conclusion, it is clear that the lifestyle of humans has changed because of
technology
Use synonyms
 and that they prefer to stay at
home
Use synonyms
 most of the time. There has to be a change so that
people
Use synonyms
 can stay healthy and fit again, pelaton is a great example that
technology
Use synonyms
 can be put to good use and needs to be advertised more to the masses.
Submitted by th3okong on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: