IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Some people say that technologies such as mobile phones are disrupting social interaction. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #technologies #phones #interaction
The rising amount of
people
 in need raised
people
's concern about the consequences caused by advanced technologies.
Thus
, some
people
 claim that mobile
phones
 are detrimental to social interaction. As far as I am concerned, I disagree with
this
 view
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 a large extent as
phones
 can let
people
 care more about others.
To begin
 with, mobile
phones
 may reduce the interest of
people
 to communicate with each other in society. As advanced technologies allow
people
 to entertain themselves by having a large range of amusements, they may be indulged in online activities and be isolated from the outside world.
For example
, young
people
 may play video games all day long
instead
 of joining some parties or meeting different
people
.
Therefore
, if fewer and fewer
people
 participated in the meeting, others may be influenced and follow their behaviours which will
aggregates
Change the verb form
aggregate
show examples
 the disruption of social interaction.
However
, mobile
phones
 can provide more information about
society
Add an article
the society
show examples
. As it seems more convenient for writers to publish social news online than
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the newspapers, information can be spread faster and wider.
For example
,
people
 can see various news from different social media sites.
Therefore
, The public may be more willing to join the voluntary services once they have knowledge about the difficulties happening in the community. In conclusion,
although
 mobile
phones
 may keep
people
 out of the community due to the attractive media sites, advanced technologies can be more beneficial as
people
 are being exposed to as
many
Correct quantifier usage
much
show examples
 current news as they want and be helpful to others.
Submitted by hhhhelen.poon on

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