IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that is a good idea that older people continue to work if it is possible for them to do. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #idea #work
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Some
people
 are concerned about whether elderly
people
 should be empowered to continue their careers if
this
 is still feasible for them.
Although
 I have admitted that there are some limitations to
this
 statement, I strongly believe
this
 point has more significant affluence than drawbacks.
To begin
 with, it can be understood that some individuals do not support that older
people
 should continue their favourite
jobs
. First of all,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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older citizens easily suffer from different
health
 problems
such
 as high blood pressure, stroke or heart attack.
As a result
, heavy workloads might affect both their mental and physical
health
.
Therefore
, old
people
 should retire to enjoy the rest of their time beside their relatives.
Additionally
, older
people
 joining in market labour is the main reason behind the rising young unemployment.
For instance
, numerous older candidates compete with young ones for their
jobs
 because old individuals have more practical experience than these young employees.
As a result
, a huge number of young candidates have to quit their
jobs
.
However
,
besides
 the mentioned drawbacks above, I
will
Verb problem
apply
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suppose that the older staff can bring a lot of benefits to their society. On the one hand, the ones who spend time joining public services or
do
Wrong verb form
doing
show examples
 some volunteer activities which support retirement, reduce the government's budget in some fields
such
 as
health
 care and environmental protection.
Additionally
, when working satisfaction with these
jobs
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
older
people
 can avoid feelings of isolation and loneliness, which is beneficial for their mental
health
.
On the other hand
, a huge number of old unemployed puts a heavy burden on the
health
 system or social care since they need more state investment for these issues.
Therefore
, if older
people
 have chances to earn money, the government’s responsibilities will
reduce
Wrong verb form
be reduced
show examples
 to focus on other important concerns. In conclusion, I believe the previous generation should be cared for by both their family and
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
.
However
, there is no right to limit our grandparents from enjoying their own life
as well as
 their favourite
jobs
.
Submitted by tunghan29 on

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task response
Expand on the drawbacks of allowing older people to continue working, such as potential impact on younger generations and societal balance.
task response
Consider providing a more balanced discussion by acknowledging potential drawbacks in the counterargument section.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph is linked cohesively to the main topic and previous paragraphs for smoother flow of ideas.
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