IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some think that government should support retired people financially while others believe they should take care of themselves. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#think #government #support #people #care
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Some people believe that retirees should be given monetary
supports
Fix the agreement mistake
support
show examples
 by the government while others think that they should be made to cater for themselves. I will be expatiating on
this
Linking Words
 and as
well
Correct your spelling
will
show examples
 give my opinion in subsequent paragraphs.
Although
Linking Words
 it is arguable that government should be made to shoulder the financial upkeep of their retired citizenry, it is quite
burdernsome
Correct your spelling
burdensome
. The financial toll of running the country is already high in various countries and adding to
this
Linking Words
 might be unsustainable.
For example
Linking Words
, the cost of running Niger, as recorded by the 2003 United Nations Report for Countries in Africa, was about 3.5 trillion dollars which
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 way above the country's earnings.
Thus
Linking Words
, countries should not add the cost of
financial
Add an article
the financial
show examples
 welfare of their inactive populace to the already high cost of running their nation. It is my belief that people should be made to take responsibility for their finances even after their active years.
This
Linking Words
 is because as humans work, it is reasonably expected of them to have retirement plans and not rely on others for their survival. Moreso, when a person takes a job at a young age, it is imperative
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 him to save up for later when he will be less productive. It is
therefore
Linking Words
 unfair for people who had all the time to plan for their retirement to place
financial
Add an article
a financial
the financial
show examples
 burden on the state.
Thus
Linking Words
, as an example, a factory worker should save up and take care of his monetary needs rather than squandering his earnings and placing his hope on the state for upkeeps. To sum up, rather than making the government cater for the financial needs of retired citizens, retirees should be left alone to take care of themselves monetarily
Submitted by Dammy on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: