IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Since most information about culture and history can be found on the internet, museums are not needed anymore. To what extent do you agree !

#information #culture #history #internet #museums
It is argued that information about culture and
history
 is being presented vastly on the internet, underestimating the function of
museums
 and some think that
museums
 are irrelevant. In my view, I totally disagree with
this
 opinion.
To begin
 with,
museums
 are places for historical
artifacts
Change the spelling
artefacts
show examples
 and masterpieces. Being able to observe actual things is far
more
Change the word
apply
show examples
greater than looking at the Internet.
In addition
, audiences are able to touch and feel great pieces at the same time
that
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 the feeling helps to understand the worth and
history
 behind them, giving another kind of experience. A good example of
that is
 some schools provide free shuttle buses for students to visit the war museum during the historical journey to cultivate their patriotism and solidarity by watching the past pictures of wars and historical pieces.
Therefore
, students might have an insight into the country’s
history
,
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apply
show examples
and appreciate the freedom that they are enjoying today.
Additionally
,
museums
 bring in financial benefits by attracting
oversea
Fix the agreement mistake
overseas
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 tourists
over
Rephrase
all over
show examples
 the world. From that, they contribute to the development of the tourism sector of the country and help the government to maintain historical buildings and statues by collecting fees from customers.
Furthermore
, the surrounding places like restaurants, cafes and souvenir shops benefit from
museums
by
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the traffic.
This
 is particularly the case for
oversea
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overseas
show examples
 visitors, who are able to find good
foods
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food
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nearby
Change preposition
near
show examples
 the
museums
 easily, boosting the local economy
due to
 the traffic it generates. In short, I advocate that
although
 we can easily find
culture
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cultural
show examples
 and
history
Replace the word
historical
show examples
 information on the internet, the function of
museums
 is unreplaceable
due to
 its great benefits in terms of economy and education.
Submitted by marcofirst0812 on

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task response
Task Response: You have maintained a clear position throughout the essay and provided relevant examples to support your arguments. However, ensure that you address all aspects of the prompt by considering potential counterarguments and addressing them.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: The logical structure of your essay is generally good, with clear progression from one point to the next. However, make sure to include a more comprehensive introduction and conclusion that clearly restate your position. Additionally, use transition words and phrases to improve the overall coherence of the essay.
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