IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

In the future, there will be a higher proportion of older people than young people in many countries. Is it a positive or negative development?

#future #proportion #people #countries #development
In recent years, due to
speedy
Correct article usage
the speedy
show examples
 development of human society and
burgeoning
Correct article usage
the burgeoning
show examples
 development of
medical
Add an article
the medical
a medical
show examples
 system, the issue that the problem of
highly
Add an article
the highly
show examples
 older
population
 has
sparkled wide-spread
Correct your spelling
sparked widespread
show examples
 attention and prevalent debate
from
Change preposition
among
show examples
people
 in many countries. It may lead the whole society to be unbalanced
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the function,
however
, it will be
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
great news for
people
 who
afraid
Add a missing verb
are afraid
show examples
 of death. Some
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
Add an article
the people
show examples
 stand for
positive
Add an article
the positive
a positive
show examples
 perspective
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
high
Add an article
the high
a high
show examples
population
 of
elder
Fix the agreement mistake
elders
show examples
. They believe extending the age of their family can maintain more time to stay with family and
also
 offer
the
Correct your spelling
them
show examples
 opportunities to create more achievements for the elder in
their
Change the word
the
show examples
 rest of life.
Since
Change preposition
In
show examples
 the past, the hope of being non-dying is always been the goal
what
Correct word choice
that
show examples
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
 look for.
However
,
high
Add an article
the high
a high
show examples
 elder
population
 may cause severe influences on younger
people
. In the aspect of eastern culture, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Chinese
Add an article
the Chinese
show examples
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
 would invest almost
whole
Correct article usage
the whole
show examples
their
Change preposition
of their
show examples
 savings on
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 education even until they being an
adult
Fix the agreement mistake
adults
show examples
. The
reasoning
Replace the word
reason
show examples
 why they contribute massive effort
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their
children
 is that they aim to rely on them for
their
Change the word
the
show examples
 rest of life. It may
causes
Change the verb form
cause
show examples
 the dramatically financial burdens on those
children
 because there are might only one or two
children
 in a family to support their future family, parents, and grandparents on
life
Replace the word
living
show examples
 expenses.
As a result
, the younger generation will be hard to make savings even though they may have
higher
Add an article
a higher
show examples
income
Fix the agreement mistake
incomes
show examples
 than average workers. In the conclusion,
this
phenomena
Fix the agreement mistake
phenomenon
show examples
 of
high
Add an article
the high
show examples
 old
population
needs
Change the verb form
need
show examples
 to be eased,
otherwise
, the whole society will be showered over the
high stress
Add a hyphen
high-stress
show examples
 atmosphere. In my advice,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 might be able to encourage
people
 to marry and to have more babies by offering
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
substantial.
Submitted by jackson05234 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: