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Band 4

In the future, there will be a higher proportion of older people than young people in many countries. Is it a positive or negative development?

#future #proportion #people #countries #development
In recent years, due to
speedy
Correct article usage
the speedy
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 development of human society and
burgeoning
Correct article usage
the burgeoning
show examples
 development of
medical
Add an article
the medical
a medical
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 system, the issue that the problem of
highly
Add an article
the highly
show examples
 older
population
 has
sparkled wide-spread
Correct your spelling
sparked widespread
show examples
 attention and prevalent debate
from
Change preposition
among
show examples
people
 in many countries. It may lead the whole society to be unbalanced
on
Change preposition
in
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 the function,
however
, it will be
the
Correct article usage
apply
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great news for
people
 who
afraid
Add a missing verb
are afraid
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 of death. Some
of
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apply
show examples
people
Add an article
the people
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 stand for
positive
Add an article
the positive
a positive
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 perspective
of
Change preposition
on
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high
Add an article
the high
a high
show examples
population
 of
elder
Fix the agreement mistake
elders
show examples
. They believe extending the age of their family can maintain more time to stay with family and
also
 offer
the
Correct your spelling
them
show examples
 opportunities to create more achievements for the elder in
their
Change the word
the
show examples
 rest of life.
Since
Change preposition
In
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 the past, the hope of being non-dying is always been the goal
what
Correct word choice
that
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human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
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 look for.
However
,
high
Add an article
the high
a high
show examples
 elder
population
 may cause severe influences on younger
people
. In the aspect of eastern culture, most
of
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apply
show examples
Chinese
Add an article
the Chinese
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family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
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 would invest almost
whole
Correct article usage
the whole
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their
Change preposition
of their
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 savings on
children
Change noun form
children's
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 education even until they being an
adult
Fix the agreement mistake
adults
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. The
reasoning
Replace the word
reason
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 why they contribute massive effort
on
Change preposition
to
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 their
children
 is that they aim to rely on them for
their
Change the word
the
show examples
 rest of life. It may
causes
Change the verb form
cause
show examples
 the dramatically financial burdens on those
children
 because there are might only one or two
children
 in a family to support their future family, parents, and grandparents on
life
Replace the word
living
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 expenses.
As a result
, the younger generation will be hard to make savings even though they may have
higher
Add an article
a higher
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income
Fix the agreement mistake
incomes
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 than average workers. In the conclusion,
this
phenomena
Fix the agreement mistake
phenomenon
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 of
high
Add an article
the high
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 old
population
needs
Change the verb form
need
show examples
 to be eased,
otherwise
, the whole society will be showered over the
high stress
Add a hyphen
high-stress
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 atmosphere. In my advice,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 might be able to encourage
people
 to marry and to have more babies by offering
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
substantial.
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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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