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Band 4.5

Some people believe that the government Should take care of old people and provide financial support after they retire. Others say individuals should save during their working years to fund their own retirement. What is your opinion? Give reason for your answer and include examples from your own experience

#people #government #care #support #individuals #years #fund #retirement #reason
Some people believe the
the
Remove the redundancy
apply
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government
 should finance
on
Change preposition
apply
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social
services
 like retirement
pension
Fix the agreement mistake
pensions
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 for adults
instead
 of spending its budget on public
services
 like agent
need
Fix the agreement mistake
needs
show examples
 while others say
individually
Replace the word
individuals
show examples
 should save their
fund
Fix the agreement mistake
funds
show examples
 during their working years.
This
 essay will delve
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 the upcoming paragraph and
subsequently
 will explore perspective in turns. On the one hand,
Although
Correct word choice
apply
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I believe
government
 should definitely allocate
large
Add an article
a large
show examples
part
 of
it's
Replace the word
its
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 budget
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 public
services
. The
government
 economic sector
determine
Change the verb form
determines
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overall
Add an article
the overall
show examples
 quality of life, ensuring the basic sector
such
 as school, hospital and roads are available to all the
citizen
 irrespective
their
Change preposition
of their
show examples
 income and social
Correct your spelling
status
show examples
states
Correct your spelling
status
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. The public
services
 are needs are primary needs of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society and
thus
needs
Correct subject-verb agreement
need
show examples
 proper funding.
For example
,
absence
Correct article usage
the absence
show examples
 of medicine in any country will create significant problems. That's why
government
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the government
show examples
 should adequately finance
on
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apply
show examples
public
services
 in
first
Add an article
the first
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 place.
Become
Wrong verb form
Becoming
show examples
 old is normal
things
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thing
show examples
to
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for
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 everyone
however
 younger
citizen
 are participate important role
for
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in
show examples
 the
country
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country's
show examples
 economic growth.
On the other hand
, retire
adult
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adults
show examples
 are
vital
Add an article
a vital
show examples
part
 of
the
Remove the article
apply
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every family.
Whom
Correct pronoun usage
Who
show examples
 encourage their close ones  as well as
providing
Wrong verb form
provide
show examples
 their experiences. I think adult must save their funds during their working years.
However
 old people
also
 are
integrate
Wrong verb form
integrated
show examples
part
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. Some ancient could save their money but most
of
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apply
show examples
old
Add an article
the old
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citizen
Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
show examples
 could not save money because of high expenses. I think
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should provide free medicine and
treatments
Fix the agreement mistake
treatment
show examples
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
low income
Add a hyphen
low-income
show examples
 citizens.
For instance
,
in
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apply
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Sri Lanka
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 been
provide
Change the verb form
providing
provided
show examples
free hospital treatments for citizens. In conclusion, after a thorough analysis of the topic,
Although
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
I believe
government
 should allocate its budget for argent needs.
However
 old
citizen
Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
show examples
also
Add a missing verb
are also
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crucial
Correct article usage
a crucial
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part
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. I think
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should implement
Correct article usage
a long
show examples
long term
Add a hyphen
long-term
show examples
 concept for
this
 problem
thus
 if not it becomes
huge
Correct article usage
a huge
show examples
 impact
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their life.
Submitted by Sasha on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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