IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some People Say Parent Should Not Allow Children To Do Activities Which Could Be Dangerous | do you agree or disagree

A lot of people say that
parents
Use synonyms
 should not allow
children
Use synonyms
 to
activities
Use synonyms
 that could be dangerous to them. Through
this
Linking Words
 essay, I strongly agree with the statement that no
parents
Use synonyms
 should allow their
children
Use synonyms
 to
involve
Wrong verb form
be involved
show examples
 in any
activities
Use synonyms
 that put them in any danger.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, nowadays I a lot of
children
Use synonyms
 are seen
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
engaging in
activities
Use synonyms
 that could potentially be harmful for them for which I think is happening due lack of parenting from
Use synonyms
Correct article usage
the parents
show examples
parents
Check wording
parents'
show examples
 side and in
this
Linking Words
 contemporary era
Use synonyms
parents
Punctuation problem
, parents
show examples
 are so busy
in
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their work
stuffs
Check wording
apply
show examples
that they totally forget to pay attention
their
Change preposition
to their
show examples
 kids.
For instance
Linking Words
, a lot of
children
Use synonyms
 are getting involved in danger only because they have no one to
say
Verb problem
tell that
show examples
 it is harmful. In my opinion, there should be some legal constraints for all
activities
Use synonyms
 that could potentially harm
children
Use synonyms
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 I think the government and higher
Use synonyms
children
Check wording
children's
show examples
 welfare authorities should play a role in
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, I strongly opine that all dangerous
activities
Use synonyms
 should be
banned
Punctuation problem
banned,
show examples
 whether it is games, outdoor
activities
Use synonyms
 or whatever. To cite an example, a killer gamer who attacks
children
Use synonyms
mentally
Punctuation problem
mentally,
show examples
 namely
BlueWhale
Punctuation problem
BlueWhale,
show examples
 was banned after news came out that many
children
Use synonyms
 committed suicide after playing the game.
To sum up
Linking Words
, no matter how many laws we make to restrict
children
Use synonyms
's involvement in dangerous
Use synonyms
activities
Punctuation problem
activities,
show examples
 I think it is the
parents
Use synonyms
 who should really be taking care of their
children
Use synonyms
 and not letting them get involved in anything which is harmful
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 is very much needed.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

grammar
Work on grammar. Use simple, clean sentences. Fix common errors like 'to activities' (to engage in activities) and 'work stuffs' (work tasks).
structure
Plan the essay. Start with a short intro that says you agree. Then make 2 or 3 clear body points with one example each. End with a short conclusion that restates your view.
content
Add more clear reasons and detail. Give better examples and explain why each point matters to readers.
cohesion
Use linking words to show how ideas fit together, like first, also, for example, but, in conclusion.
stance
You take a clear stand on the topic.
example
You give a real example (Blue Whale) to show danger in games.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: